SHALLOT IN PRINT (SELECTED WRITING)

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  • Support the 826LA non-profit writing lab and the gifted writers of Animo Inglewood, a groundbreaking charter high school in LA, by purchasing a copy of their new anthology Rhythm of the Chain, a book project supported and led by the Lakers' own Phil Jackson.

August 17, 2008

I don't know who Michael Phelps is

It's not that I just don't know the names of Olympic athletes. I don't care what their names are. I can't swim. I can't run. I can't play on the rings, and I can't throw a javelin. So I don't watch the Olympics. Take that, NBC and China! How you like me now? And while we're at it, hell, let's just say it: I don't even think the Olympics are good for the world. Why are we all converging over sports when we can't even have successful global talks about anything really important? You know, like... real TV. I would attend a Real TV Olympics. Let's put Californication up against whatever bad shows about writers air in other countries (I don't know them because I'm an American who lacks, how you say, "curiosity?"). Let's get Tony Soprano to kick some Australian Mafia ass. How about opening ceremonies with the Pussy Cat Dolls giving all those Chinese cheerleaders body dismorphic disorders. Let's have Mad Men slyly persuade and mock its way around that Russian show about car salesman. I wanna see Estonian drug dealers fuck with the guys from The Wire. For the dudes from Big Bang Theory to throw scientifically superior discuses at any sit-com creator who ever sit foot on a foreign studio lot and thought he could write physics grad-school humor... In my world, the  Real TV Olympics would be something worth watching. Too meta for you? Get on the train, sweeties. Sports is for wimps, weaklings, and losers.

August 15, 2008

today's facebook notification

The Internets tell me that 5 of my friends have already installed the "iPhone for Brain" application via mobile Facebook. Now I can't speak to them without caressing their cheeks and stomachs with my index finger before picking what topic I'd like to discuss. On the upside, they are much thinner than me and getting lots more physical attention.

the ease of being...light green

Not only is Disney looking for someone to fill the position called "green editor," they're interested in candidates who can provide tips for "light-green" consumers.

I once heard nasty rumors that Walt Disney was accused of being a nazi, but I had no idea that the company racism continued into the present day. Oh, to be as desired as those awesome and sexy green editors in today's picture. Alas, I am the color of honey-smoked turkey breast.

August 14, 2008

Ripped from TMZ: Celeb Justice Case #1875

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Luda Kafkavian, who boasts to her friends how she all-too-often smacks and spits at the faces of such celebrities as Glass Shallot's star founder as well as Mad Men's Jon Hamm, Pineapple Express's James Franco, and designer Tom Ford, was taken into police custody today after pulling the hair and ripping off the eyelid of a city official who was simply trying to verify the independent business license for her Notary Public/Armenian deli storefront. (Shallot was there. Unharmed, thankfully.)

The fuzz tell us that Kafkavian, who enjoys fame as a purveyor of Armenian delights as well as one of the most elite notaries in Beverly Hills who can quote "The Penal Colony" and forge the signatures of most major European authors, has been in such trouble before.

We're also told that, when the city official moved to check Kafkavian's license while Il Shallot entered to confirm she wasn't selling forged letters from the late Franz Kafka (what a coincidence!), Kafkavian screamed, "Get the f-- away from me, you human cockroaches!" Then she attacked.

Luckily the city official knew her Kafka, too, and was able to pummel the assailant into submission with the hardback copy of "Metamorphosis" she keeps in her backpack. Kafkavian was eventually thrown into that swank Bev Hills slammer we all know so well, and Shallot was saved. However, a band of trustafarian tutors from a local non-profit writing lab posted her $35k bail. It's reported that the rich kids liked her hummus.

Our advice? Stay clear of the corner of Olympic and Beverly if you need help with your Kafka while getting anything important notarized.

August 13, 2008

kinder...malo?

The name of my favorite Italian chocolate bar, Kinder Bueno, translates, if you're up to melding German with Spanish, to: "Good Children." Which is obviously the demo for this wholesome ad. Just wait for the bunnies.

August 08, 2008

a fowl drink

Today, among the press releases, arrived an e-mail that read like this:

eSOMMELIER INTRODUCES CONCIERGE SERVICES
 
Dealers can now leverage eSommelier’s professional concierge staff and authorized consultants to provide their clients with complete turnkey Wine Management Solutions.

I give this company free advertising today on the Shallot because I made a mistake reading their release. See, I thought they had said that they could "provide their clients with complete TURKEY WINE management Solutions."

I had never heard of turkey wine, so I did a bit of Googling and realized I must have made an error. Apparently, there's no such thing. Too bad (although not for turkeys): The idea sounds delicious...

August 01, 2008

Oh, My Word: Omaha's "Whatevs" Disaster. News as it Breaks.

The news is slowly creeping out of Nebraska Methodist Hospital. But apparently three ordinarily healthy septuagenarian Omaha librarians are still in critical care after suffering simultaneous cardiac arrests this morning when they were struck by news so grammatically and linguistically abominable that they could not maintain homeostasis. Margaret Dubrovic, 71, head librarian at Omaha's central library system, was reportedly enjoying a routine morning when her latest copy of The New Yorker magazine arrived in the mail. Allegedly, Dubrovic looked forward with great verve to the arrival of her private subscription copy and had been rumored to read half of the entire periodical well before the end of morning on delivery days with friends and co-librarians Betsy O'Neill, 74, and Edith Cooper, 76, both of whom also suffered cardiac arrests. But this morning the group happened upon what junior librarian Thomas DeBouef, 23, could only call "literary blasphemy of the highest proportions." The insidious word "whatevs," a slang term for "whatever" used by the so-called Britney Generation and the blog whatevs.org, apparently found its way into music critic Sasha Frere-Jones's recent review of the latest Coldplay album. And while the estimable writer had likely used the term in the most tongue-in-cheek manner, it even appeared as a one-word sentence--capitalized, of course. "He didn't have to go that far," said DeBouef, whose grandfather Eli, 89, also works in the library as a volunteer and suffered minor whiplash from today's events. "There's no doubt in my mind that the act of literally seeing such a word, if you can call it that, printed in the magazine these ladies have held so dear to their literary hearts for so many years caused their simultaneous tragedies. It's a damn shame." Of course, one Generation X reporter cannot help but wonder, in the words of character Carrie Bradshaw from the HBO show "Sex and the City," what septuagenarian librarians were hoping for from a review of a Coldplay album in the first place. "They weren't as shocked as many of their friends were that The New Yorker had taken to reviewing popular music so substantively over the last few years," added Debouef.  "They rather liked Coldplay, and as the article said, they often played the album 'Parachutes' during their afternoon tea sessions as a means to relax from the stress of their jobs." For now, however, the implicit danger posed by a simple unsubstantiated slang term such as "whatevs" is all an entire community can cling to for some explanation as to why their best librarians are on leave from the city's hottest reading room. More news as it breaks. In the meantime, get better, girls.

July 23, 2008

vintage shallot

When I was just getting started and the Atkins diet was everywhere, I did a little humor piece for McSweeney's. But in the spirit of a doctor who just told me to cut out carbs--are we really that advanced Mr. Cedars?--let's reminisce from the days of meat.

REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD
"Atkins Beanit Butter"

by Adam Baer

You're fat. You need to lose weight. You eat too much, but there's certainly got to be a way around that. At least that's what you thought when you started Atkins. But now you're finding that the mesmerizing tray of salted chicken-thighs glistening in the Ron Popeil Showtime Rotisserie isn't enough for a solo low-carb dinner. Your three-pound chuck steak family-pack, broiled to perfection, is flying right though you by the beginning of Must-See-TV. Your $9 block of Parmesan is light fare, despite your cardiologist-brother's characterization of it as "the most potent mass of cholesterol I have ever seen anyone ingest." You need something to really stick to your ribs. But you can't gorge yourself on PB&Js like you did when you ditched ninth-grade chem lab to run back to your house and binge while attacking your father's porn collection. You've made a "mature decision" about how you will "view food" and the "act of eating." And that's where Atkins Beanit Butter comes in. With less than one gram of "Net Carbs" per two-tablespoon serving, there's no stopping your nostalgia for tongue-slathering Skippy. Gorge on the nut-buttery goodness of this high-protein soy product and feel completely at ease that you haven't cheated on your new, disciplined "lifestyle choice." Spreadable on new Atkins Bran-A-Crisps, and a perfect lead-in to a bowl of Atkins Nutlettes—the "crunchy crispy" cereal-and-milk-flavored treat sweetened with the low-glycemic "Sugar Not" for those carb-controllers hankering to revisit memories of midnight dorm-room Fruit Loops.

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Also check out "Vote for me: A Commodore 64"--a humor piece back when we thought Obama was a Mac! (For the record, all forms of computers are hating me this week, and I work on PCs but hate Vista.)

July 22, 2008

funniest press release of the week

These actually get sent to me. Say hello to this week's winner:

"Hi Adam,

I have a great story idea for you: Exotic Beauty Norms!

The standards of beauty vary tremendously from one culture to the next. So how does one know what exactly defines Exotic Beauty? Enticingly different eyes, fascinating faces, sexy, glamorous, mysterious?

Dr. [NAME REDACTED], who recently returned from Dubai, is an A-list surgeon who has traveled around the world and owns over 24 clinics in more than 15 countries. For him to succeed, it’s extremely imperative to understand the different beauty norms for each country that his patients strive to achieve. For example, what one girl in India deems “beautiful”, another in Shanghai may find repulsive.

As a specialist, Dr. [NAME REDACTED] answers to women with a variety of different requests on a daily basis. As such, he’s developed a keen eye for international beauty. We’d love to put you in touch with him to discuss these trends.  For more information about Dr. [NAME REDACTED] or to set up an interview, please contact me directly at: [PHONE NUMBER REDACTED].

Best,

[PR REP NAME REDACTED]"

What I don't think this doctor has realized is that he's far behind the times. Ideas of beauty changing from country to country are so last month. These days it's from street to street. I call it "Micro Community Beauty Norms" (TM). For instance, you're no longer drop-dead-hot on Beverly Hills's Beverly Drive if you're drop-dead-hot on Rodeo, which is just one street over. So, too, for Sunset and Hollywood Blvds. And I hear that pretty soon beauty is going to vary from block to block within micro communities, eventually even perhaps landing in the Eye of the Beholder, an ultra-exotic place with so much Otherness that apparently Indiana Jones has only read about it. But don't worry, PR rep: That's at least a month away. It's hard to forecast these things.

July 21, 2008

Oh, snap. And smile.

Some people wonder what I do when I'm not taking pictures (ha, says the writer too busy to blog as much as he should). But this thorough look at the best new digital cameras, from Conde Nast's Men.style.com, did come from the keyboard of my humble Vaio. If you need a recommendation...Concerning Sony's newest pocket cam, I write:

The key enhancements come under the hood, and include a host of new features based on face-detection—most notably the so-called Smile Shutter, which automatically waits to shoot until your subject grins. As for getting your subject to play along, well, you're on your own.

Didn't someone once call patience a virtue? Maybe that was likeability.

July 16, 2008

today's beltway mag browse

Finally in the open air for part of a day after too much time spent under imaging machines, I got to actually browse a bookstore for some current magazines. Handing my New Yorker, NatGeo, and other magazines to the clerk, however, I was accosted by a woman who looked like a former NPR colleague--PBS tote bag, stringy hair, big plastic glasses, and all.

"Oh," she said. "I am glad you are holding that upside down."

That? I asked, not knowing what she was talking about but eventually realizing it had something to do with the TNY Obama cover, the supposed uproar about which I know very little, except that it looks like a bold (which I consider good and necessary) portrayal of how certain Americans (probably not this woman) demonize and denigrate the guy.

"Well, um, you know, well, um, hmph," the lady said, implying that perhaps I might agree or disagree with the cover, I couldn't be sure.  (For the record, I support Obama as well as free speech.)

"I am sorry," I replied. "What are you asking me about?"

"Well, um, hmph, OK, but you also have the Nation in there, well, um, well, just, just forget it," she said.

"OK," I replied, smiling a bit.

Then she walked away, flustered, and I gave the clerk some cash. It was nice to be out in our funny world again.

[posted by TypePad Mobile]

July 15, 2008

why everyone loves my alma mater (at least in hollywood and baltimore)

Because it looks the part. (You know, once you make it past all the faux-yuppification into the still-rougher-than-South Bronx crimes scenes.)

July 10, 2008

google's lively: everything but

Lively

I have a complaint about today's social networks. They're not keeping
us from breathing enough fresh air.They're not distracting us from
enough human interaction. They're just too, like, static. You log onto
your Facebook account, and all you can do is play interactive Hold'em,
look your friend's travel photos, chat with anyone online, and send
video messages. That is, when you're not obsessed with Scrabulous
wars, reading someone's instant mobile status "message," or commenting
on someone else's life. No, what we really need is a three-dimensional
social networking model, where we can take the form of customizable
avatars, decorate our virtual homes, and really see our fake computer
selves receive virtual hugs as opposed to just being told that someone
sent one our way. Because that would feel so much better and humanize
social networking, right? Google thinks so.

Today's announcement--and I'm sure you've read about it
everywhere--that Google's launching a beta version of its new "Lively"
tool for creating three-dimensional social networks, offering users
their own spaces--please give my avatar, a fit and worryless writer
with a Scrooge McDuck-like pool of money, a virtually architecturally
significant mid-century home in the virtual Hollywood Hills as well as
the non-flaky and honest virtual pals and coworkers it comes with as
long as you're still hammering the details of this one out--basically
means that some people don't think social networking has taken over
enough of our lives.

We're just not distracted enough at work--apparently procrastinating
the perpetual checking of e-mail that would take you away from the
moment too much already is not the step we need to return to, lest we
actually go one more level back into reality and shut down the 100
virtual communiques we're constantly having with people around the
globe every minute. Maybe the Mac users among us--and trust me, I'd be
one of them if the new Macbook keyboards came with forward-delete keys
and long-life batteries--will get a chance to avoid this dive into yet
another level of virtual life: Lively only works for Windows. Makes
sense to me: Vista is so annoying--so reliably computer-crashing--that
you might as well give up on productivity from the start.

I'm insane, sure--but I know I have a problem. I just returned to the
U.S. from a lot of time in Italy, where my Roman cousin keeps his
laptop in a closet and only takes it out (connecting it to his network
with a real wire!) when he wants to do some dedicated Web surfing for
such frivolous tasks as purchasing airline tickets and making sure his
bank transfers worked. Which is not to say that all of that sun-soaked
boot of a country moves at his blinding pace. But even among the
Americanized Milanese, Venetians, and Romans--even among the pazzo
club kids texting each other from the driver's seat of their Smart
cars--there's still a different concept about what the Internet and
our constant communication is there for in Italy. Hell, I tried three
cellphone services, throughout major Italian cities, and I frequently
had so many connection problems that I eventually didn't check my
e-mail every few minutes. Sometimes I even went a few days. And that's
when I wasn't in a rural area, where life is obviously slower, you
might know most of the people in your town, and it's actually
considered a pleasure to socialize without an evite setting the time,
date, and spot. Facebook may seem "static" to the Lively developers,
but it seems to be more than so many people across the world can and
want to handle already.

It's ever-so-groundbreaking, this plea, I know, but let's slow down a
bit and show Google that even though Second Life is thriving, all of
us Facebookers and LinkedIn users don't need Lively. Don't want it.
Maybe we're not the target audience anyway. OK. But in that case,
let's still take some sort of a stand and rip our kids away from the
thing; blindfold them from the news and ways of downloading the social
bomb. It's bad enough that we have two levels of virtual life away
from our oh-so-simple wireless-e-mail-driven lives already. Do we need
another tool to push real living even deeper into the chasm of
impossibility?

July 08, 2008

do you "get it?"

Have you seen the funniest copywriting ad on the Internet? Here it is:

"You’re a Copywriter who gets it, and you wonder why other people don’t. You understand that meaning comes not from the words, but the experience. You don’t write copy, you start conversations. You understand the transformational power of a network. And you think about connections – between brand and consumer, between consumer and consumer, between websites, emails, banners, TV, print, and direct mail. You have ideas. You have talent. You work hard. You play hard. And you’re the next Copywriter at [company name redacted] – Los Angeles."

Since when did meaning "come not" from "the words?" If that's true, the meaning of this ad is that professional copywriting is a joke (no surprise), because "the experience" of this ad is that  non-sequiturs and cliches produce money, and that it's easy to please corporate parrots who just "want to get onto the same page" and "reach out" to you so they can make more money off mind-"loving" members of our fair society.

Vaya con dios, wannabe copywriters!

July 06, 2008

when tennis wasn't a dissapointment and bore

July 03, 2008

celebrity burgers celebrate america, right?

The last July Fourth barbecue I attended made me sob. Not a burger on the grill. I asked my friend, the host: Are we so highbrow—so healthy and gourmet?--that we don't even grill burgers on our nation's birthday anymore? (Yes, the hamburger is an American creation, first appearing on menus in the late 19th century.) Well, this summer, I have vowed to stand for tradition, especially after returning from abroad. Here, my little collection of four winning, grill-friendly summer burgers—some decadent, low-fat, gourmet, seaborn (published in this month's Men's Journal)--and the chefs behind them. Because any other kind of July 4 food post would just feel wrong.

1. Burger: Chuck | Chef: Bobby Flay, Mesa Grill, Bahamas

A born-and-bred New Yorker (you can also grab his burger at Mesa's Manhattan and Vegas locations) the Food Network's "Boy Meets Grill" star prefers burgers simple, with ground chuck (source it from your trusted butcher, and grind it yourself), two thick slices of cheddar, grilled and sweet Vidalia onion, and horseradish mustard for kick. "Think about a perfect burger," he says. "It's crusty, it's juicy, it's got cheese oozing over it. It's basically one of the only times even a food snob can really say that they're into American cheese and get away with it. It just works." And chuck is flavorful and affordable. But “the most important thing is its fat content," he adds. "It has to have 20% fat or you're going to get a dry burger. I'm just not into lean burgers."

RECIPE

The Mesa Burger with Double Cheddar Cheese, Grilled Vidalia Onion and Horseradish Mustard

Serves: 4

Grilled Vidalia Onions

1 large Vidalia onions, sliced crosswise, 1/2" thick slices

2 tablespoons olive oil

Salt and freshly ground pepper

Brush olive oil on both sides of onion slices and season with salt and pepper.  Grill the onion slices for 3-4 minutes on each side until golden brown.

Horseradish Mustard

1 cup Dijon mustard

2 tablespoons prepared horseradish, drained

Whisk ingredients in a small bowl until combined.

Burger

2 lbs freshly ground chuck

Salt and freshly ground pepper

8 slices cheddar cheese, sliced 1/4 inch thick

4 slices beefsteak tomatoes

4 leaves romaine lettuce

Grilled Vidalia Onions

Horseradish Mustard

4 Sesame Seed Hamburger Buns

Preheat grill to high. Form the meat into four 8-ounce burgers. Season burgers on both sides with salt and pepper.  Grill for 3-4 minutes on each side for medium doneness.  During last minutes of cooking add 2 slices of cheese to each burger, cover grill and let melt, approximately 1 minute.  Place burger on bun and top with onions, tomato, lettuce and a dollop of Horseradish Mustard.

2. Burger: Yellowfin Tuna | Chef: Jean-Georges Vongerichten, Spice Market, Atlanta

"I love beef burgers," says Vongerichten, one of America’s first celebrity chefs who crafted this Asian-flavored seafood burger for a tasty attempt at better health. "I can't eat too many [traditional burgers] because I have to watch my cholesterol.  I think people will love this burger because it doesn't skimp on flavor, but is a far healthier alternative to the traditional beef." What's more, while bluefin tuna is being over-fished in the Mediterranean, it's great to use yellowfin, which is available in better fish markets. "It's a much smaller fish that is sourced not from the Mediterranean but from Hawaii," the chef adds. "It is always caught wild.  It's also a great variety of tuna because it's not as fatty as others, but it still tastes great."

RECIPE

Grilled Yellowfin Tuna Burger, bonito mayo, shiso and yuzu pickles.

For the Tuna Mix: For 4 Burgers 

You can buy fresh ground tuna from a fishmonger.

2 Pounds Ground Tuna

3 TBLS Shallots, minced

3 TBLS Ginger, peeled and minced

1 Red Thai chili, minced

2 TSP Sesame oil

Carefully spread the tuna to cover the entire hotel pan. Sprinkle the surface with the remaining ingredients and mix carefully.

Form into 4 patties without working the meat.

Season with salt and white pepper, brush with light soy sauce and olive oil and grill on HIGH until medium rare.

Cut a Kaiser roll in half and brush with olive oil, grill until toasted and warm.

For the Bonito Mayonnaise:

2 cups Bonito flakes plus ½ cup reserved

½ cup water

2 egg yolks

2 TSP salt

4 TBLS Yuzu Juice

2 cups Grape Seed Oil

Put the 2 cups of bonito flakes in a small bowl.  Bring water to a boil and immediately pour over bonito.  Let steep for 8 minutes, then strain through a fine mesh strainer, pushing hard for total extraction.  The can be kept in the refrigerator for 3 days.   

Put ¼ cup of the bonito broth into the food processor with the yolks, salt and yuzu and process. Emulsify with the oil, then add the remaining bonito flakes and pulse quickly. Reserve refrigerated until needed.   

For the pickles:

2 Euro cucumbers, washed and channeled with a peeler, sliced full opening on a mandoline.

2 cups Japanese rice vinegar

6 oz Yuzu juice

12 oz Sugar

2 TBLS Salt

3 Green Thai chilies, washed and split

Put cucumbers in a medium size bowl. Combine vinegar, sugar, chilies and salt and bring to a boil.   Add yuzu juice and cool over ice. Pour over cucumbers 4 hours prior to use.   

To serve:

Boston lettuce leaves

Shiso or mint leaves

3. Burger: Buffalo with Blue Cheese and Buffalo sauce | Chef: Jason Boso, Twisted Root Burger Co., Dallas

"Often I can trick people into thinking they're eating beef with this burger," says Boso, who sources his hormone-free bison meat for Dallas's premiere burger enterprise from Comanche Buffalo (www.comanchebuffalo.com), a local operation in Lawton, O.K. "Buffalo is low-fat, 92% lean, so you won't have as much flame-up on an outdoor grill, but you should also cook it quicker than you would a piece of chuck." Boso suggests finding the crumbliest bleu cheese around, because it binds well with his bleu-cheese dressing before he "smushes" the creamy topping down onto the hot buffalo sauce with his preferred cracked-wheat bun. "No matter what you think, this buffalo meat isn't gamey like elk or venison, and if you can't get some from Comanche, you should be able to find buffalo at any specialty meat market now."


RECIPE

Buffalo burger

2 lb.        Ground Buffalo meat
1 tablespoon Sea salt
2 teaspoons  Fresh ground black pepper
4 oz         unseasoned bread crumbs (used as binder and helps retain fat
for a more moist burger)

Hand mix all in a cold bowl thouroughly speading seasonings into meat.
Roll meat into 5 or 6oz balls and then press into patty shape. Makes 5-6
burgers.

Place on high heat grill for 2 minutes each side for a medium Burger. 4
minutes a side for welldone. Remember Buffalo is 92% lean and therefore
better with a little pink in it.

Buffalo sauce

We cook our Buffalo sauce with a slury of cornstarch and lime juice to
give it a more ketchup consistancy and make it cleaner and easier to eat
on a burger.

16 ounces of buffalo sauce.(we like Frank's Red Hot)
4 oz. slurry of cornstarch and lime juice. (2-3 oz of lime juice 1-2 of
cornstarch -stir well to get rid of lumps.)

Add slurry to heated buffalo sauce and 4 oz. of sugar, cook for a few
minutes, then remove from heat and let cool.

6-8 ounces of your favorite Blue Cheese (we like Stilton)
crumble it and mix with a blue cheese dressing to bind crumbles.

Sesame white or Cracked Wheat bun are our favorites with this meat.

1 1/2 of buffalo sauce and 1 oz. of blue cheese mixture on top of your
buffalo meat and you're good to go. Enjoy.


4. Burger: Lamb Merguez | Chef: Laurent Tourondel, BLT Burger, Las Vegas

Tourondel, a French-born burger maven, also serves this alternative burger year-round in his New York and LA restaurants of the same moniker. But what makes it especially great for summer is its middle-Eastern spice and flavor profile, offset by a cooling cucumber yogurt sauce, tomatoes, olives, red onion, and spicy harissa (or hot sauce) mayo. "You can use a beef merguez sausage to temper the flavor of the lamb if lamb sausage is a little too strong," says Tourondel, who also says any high-end sausage should work at the end of the day and recommends using wood in your grill if you have it. "I also use the lamb shoulder meat, because it has the best flavor--and maybe the neck, because it has more fat. You can ask your butcher for it. But the key is to grill the burger to medium but let it char a bit over high heat for a good flavorful crust."

RECIPE

BLT Lamb Burger

Serves 6

Lamb Spice

4 teaspoons paprika

2 teaspoons black peppercorns

2 teaspoons turmeric

2 teaspoons fennel seed

2 teaspoons cumin seed

½ teaspoon cayenne

2 teaspoons garlic powder

2 teaspoons dried thyme

2 teaspoons dried oregano

Yogurt Sauce

2 cups plain yogurt

1 tablespoon mint, finely chopped

1 tablespoon lime juice

1 teaspoon lamb spice mix

Harissa Mayonnaise

1 cup mayonnaise

1 ½ ablespoon harissa

¼ cup lemon juice

Salt

Pepper

Vegetable Mix

1 vine-ripe tomato, finely diced

1 cucumber, peeled, finely diced

1 red onion, finely diced

¼ cup black pitted olives, finely diced

½ cup cured lemons, finely diced

1 tablespoon mint, chopped

1 tablespoon cilantro, chopped

2 tablespoon lemon juice

2 tablespoon olive oil

Salt

Pepper

Lamb Burger

1 ½ pound ground lamb

1 ½ ounces Merguez sausage

1 tablespoon of lamb spice mix

½ pound sweet unsalted butter, melted

Salt

6 burger buns with sesame seeds, split

1 red onion, thinly sliced

2 vine-ripe tomatoes, sliced into ¼-inch slices

6 leaves romaine lettuce, ribs removed

To make the lamb spice mix  In a small sauté pan set over medium heat, lightly toast the black peppercorns, fennel seed, and cumin seeds until fragrant, approximately 3-5 minutes.  Remove from the pan and allow to cool.   

Add the toasted spices, paprika, turmeric, cayenne, garlic powder, dried thyme, and dried oregano to a spice grinder and grind until the spices reach the consistency of a fine powder.  Set aside.

Note:  The Lamb spice can be stored in an air and water tight container.

To make the yogurt sauce  Drain yogurt in a sieve lined with a cheesecloth or a clean kitchen towel set over a bowl in the refrigerator until all excess liquid is released, approximately 3-4 hours.

In a mixing bowl combine the strained yogurt, mint, lime juice and lamb spice mix and mix thoroughly.  Cover and store in refrigerator.

To make the harissa mayonnaise In a small mixing bowl combine all ingredients and mix until combined.  Season with salt and pepper.  Cover and store in refrigerator.

To make the vegetable mix  In a large mixing bowl add the tomato, cucumber, red onion, olives and cured lemons and mix until combined.  Add the mint, cilantro, lemon juice and olive oil and lightly toss.  Season with salt and pepper.

To make the lamb burger  Using a knife, carefully remove casings from the merguez sausage.  In a large mixing bowl add the sausage, ground lamb and lamb spice mix and mix until well combined.  Gently form the meat into six 6-ounce burgers.  Brush each patty with butter and season with salt.   

Heat a grill pan or barbeque over medium-high heat.  Grill the burgers for 4 minutes per side for medium rare.  Do not push down on the burgers while they cook, as this will cause the juices to run out.

Assemble the burger  Lightly toast the hamburger buns.  Place the burgers on the bottom halves of the buns.  With a slotted spoon, take a small amount of the vegetable mix allowing the juices to drain off, and place on burger. Top with lettuce, tomato, onion.  Spread the harissa mayonnaise, and the yogurt sauce on the top halves of the buns.  Serve immediately.

July 02, 2008

liking it rough

Some adventure travelers are so hard on their gadgets, they need stuff that can take a beating. I just need rugged electronics because I'm not sitting in the padded office. See my survey of the category for Conde Nast's Men.style.com, the online home of GQ and Details magazines.

June 30, 2008

summer in the hometown: jones beach nostalgia

June 25, 2008

comparing bathroom graffiti

In Rome, one tag on a bathroom stall read: "Bush = un pezzo di merda."

In Las Vegas's McCarran airport, one stall wall included the following line: "Jews runs the media." Directly underneath that line was another pearl: "That's because people have bad sense of grammar."

June 23, 2008

yvette siegert: benching books from times square with zeal

Yvette Siegert, the young and exceedingly talented Columbia instructor, poet, and New Yorker editorial staff member, has finally been given a public forum in the form of, yes, a blog. New Yorker blogs may be obvious references, but what you should know about Siegert, the author of The Book Bench, is that she's not only a voracious and reliable book-scene correspondent; she's eminently qualified to tell us the backstories behind the books while remaining highly literate in the world literature field and so damn likable that you would never go wrong following her advice about what to read. Way to go, New Yorker! You've got a blogger who will literally change the way the magazine reaches the online book world and the readers to whom it caters. See The Book Bench as soon as possible, and watch for much, much more from Shallot friend Siegert.

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

"No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it."--George Carlin (1937-2008)

For more Carlin accounts, please see David Hochman at HuffPo.

June 22, 2008

post-italy thoughts

Upon my return from Italy, the one thing I am sure of is that I currently dislike watching American dance reality shows (not that I ever did), reading tabs, seeing really bad movies (bad-good movies are still fine), even more than before. The leniency for crap that I acquired in LA after years of curmudgeon life in NY is gone, even after just returning from a foreign country where the music and television, at least the popular forms of it, are funnier (stupider, potentially, more sexist, etc.) than anything in America. Truth is: I cannot stand to see the way certain people live in this country that I can luckily call home in the current tense international climate. But the more I see Americans and our need and love to consume, lack of organic pleasure, the urgency and intensity with which we communicate via e-mail, phone, and even in person...it's overwhelming, and it's sad. I wasn't away very long. 30 days is hardly a long tour away from one's culture, but it was just long enough for me to slip into, as I had said, a more natural mode of existence, and these weren't on days gazing out over the Mediterranean. I experienced as much or more of this new internal pace and attitude at Autostrade-side Autogrills and in smoky Rome buses, bad gelaterias and even dangerous neighborhoods and boring Sardinia cellphone stores, as I did in restful medieval villages in the Abruzzi mountains. For it isn't rest that Italy provides. Italy doesn't provide anything, in fact, and that's why it's great; it doesn't try too hard, doesn't want to. Plus, there's a frenetic pace in the Italian world, too--especially in a city like Rome, which is hardly a groundbreaking observation, as kids reheat more frozen meals than ever while moms and dads still jump over each other and ditch their jobs to watch their children take swimming lessons. But what's different about it all is that to my mind Italians don't want to work more: they don't like it, they don't get a high from it. They don't have openings, in large part, in the little portal in our minds that the allows the urgency, devote-your-life-to-nonsense and anticipatory stress addiction that reaches and controls many American psyches. And if some Italians do not feel this urgency, if they do devote their lives to nonsense, well, they don't really feel as if they're living while mourning the loss of their lives simultaneously in that distinctly American way. A Naples advertising executive who doesn't really believe in the mission of his account, therefore, just waits for work to end to really enjoy his life--what most people in America *say* they do but rarely accomplish. He doesn't force an attempt at or quest for enjoyment into his every moment and then wince when he can't find any "quality time" for it; maybe he'll have some moments of joy throughout the day but they will come whether or not he creates an "action plan" to "achieve" them. For instance, Italy is currently looking into increasing the work week hours; as dangerous as it is to us, the Euro is killing too many people in Italy, too. But there remains a lovingly selfish-cum-socialist-y, "let the government take care of it" type of attitude--we don't like our president, but what the hell?--that even lets the overworked feel free, regardless of what's required of them. And maybe that's what I saw most obviously on my mini-trip. Not any sort of "la dolce vita" fiction. But the fact that most Italians feel free from expectation and big-brother ownership--especially state and corporate ownership, even when it's written into law--except for when it comes to family. Which is more an ownership of love and something all of us should applaud. More in the coming weeks. This is part of the book project...

June 10, 2008

sardinian contradictions

Cala

1. People can't really debone fish here. And the cuisine is made of more pig than you would think.

2. The best beaches aren't sandy but rocky (see Cala Mariolu, up top), and they often require a boat trip.

3. Ocean currents go in the opposite direction you think they should. Say, towards wherever you happen to be swimming.

4. There is happiness that the US military has left the Maddelena archipelago but now everyone's complaining that the US has left them with no means for economic stimulation. (I say, just be glad Bush is gone. Berlusconi's still up your behind.)

5. Everything's eco here, but those horses on the side of the road? They may end up in a ragu. For real.

6. A man came up to me on the beach, not selling Fanta or chips or even a panino. He was selling pecorino. Cheese! On the beach! For a snack!

7. The rich people here may pop their collars and sail superyachts but when you question them privately about the success of the Port Cervo marina, they tell you they fear it's becoming too much like New Jersey.

8. The wind blows everywhere you don't want it to, but when the lights come on (what some people call the sun coming out), it can stop dead in its tracks.

9. The "strange" black-clad ladies of the Barbaggia mountains happily sell bus tours to their lifestyle not unlike the Amish. Score one for taking dumb tourists to hand.

10. You actually swim with sardines here, among other interesting fish. Put on a snorkel mask, remove your makeup, and stop just lying on the sand looking at everyone else's D&G swimsuit while you considering buying fake Breitling watches from those Senegalese souvenirsmen.

*This is weird and beautiful place. Beautiful because of its oddities (the wild horses, Catalan-Arabic influences, ancient civilization ruins, the pirate-like flag), not the pretty coastlines. Stay atuned to that fact and you won't fall into the chasm of "whydidn't I follow cheesy American pop stars to Capri, (which, btw, is terribly overpriced and currently in a state of classless ruin by the onslaught of modern tourism)?"

June 08, 2008

vacanze da vacanze romane

Having been here for a week, for the fourth time in my life, it's pretty easy for me to confirm how much Rome and my adopted hometown of Los Angeles are alike. In Rome, everyone immediately looks you up and down, even the cheesy bridge-and-tunnel kids with the badly gelled hair who live miles from Cinecitta; everyone's pazzo, doing something unusually complicated on unusually expensive cellphones, especially when driving; and style trumps all (addendum: most Romans, outside your immediate family and favorite Hugo Boss salesman, will be nice to your face and speak crap behind your back). Tired of these inescapable Hollywoodisms as well as the tourists in every corner of the city (and every Dior, D&G, and Armani store)--even in the small, unusually good dining rooms and bars of the former slaughterhouse district, Testaccio--I recently sought refuge in my father-in-law's alpine region of Abruzzi (home as well to half of Madonna's family). Good thing, too, because aside from the best saffron, game, sheep's milk cheese, and mountainous national parkland in Italy, Abruzzi  (though it's been called "The Next Toscana," think more Colorado than Napa) also benefits from a lack of tourism. Which doesn't mean you won't find great restaurants and hotels here; just that they won't be overrun with tacky, in-your-face, fanny-pack-waisted Rick Stevesians and the guidebooks that they love--or worse, B-level American celebrities. After a fast two hour jaunt east from Rome, last week, I arrived in the small, rustic town of Campo di Giove, set deep under the imposing Majella mountains and just minutes from the medeival city of Sulmona, birthplace of Ovid and that Confetti (candied almonds) your significant other will likely adore as much as L. Locals, and there are plenty of young, single ragazzi still hanging in their hometowns--make sure not to say you are single as one friend did; you will get an invitation to a family dinner for the wrong reasons). Inadvertently stylish in 80's threads they don't care about (unlike some of the chic-geeks in Sulmona), these kids may win you over with genuine friendliness as quickly as, say, the freshly made annelini with speck and ricotta (which would no doubt be on tomorrow's Babbo menu if Batali ever scootered himself over), at the no-frills La Scarpetta di Venere. At this thin-aired pine-perfumed spot, on a recent night, the young locals gathered to watch Rome play Inter in soccer while scarfing down pizze (I recommend the local prosciutto as a topping; it's deeper in color and richer in flavor, with more substance, than the overbought Parma stuff you can find in any Dean and Deluca), taking turns saying hello to our Zia (yes, young people, in certain places still have respect for elders).  In the morning, you might want to follow my lead and dodge a brown bear, a few wild boars, and a wolf (if I was kidding, this would be mentioned with some degree of whimsy), while riding the funicular up to Gran Sasso d'Italia (the rock of Italy), the highest mountain in the country, for fantastic hiking and even a look at a hotel built by Mussolini in Campo Imperatore. It's true: I have a home here--in the city you see above--and thank god there's no Wi-Fi. I, however, never mind a night at the albergo diffuso Sextantio, a recently finished preservation-minded design hotel built out of the intact medeival Abruzzese town of Santo Stefano di Sessanio, right in the national park, where Philippe Starck bathroom fixtures sit in restored cave-like brick rooms for the socially conscious yet aesthetically driven travelers some of us know we have become. I'm OK with this kind of tourism; the place was purchased over ten years ago and painstakingly restored with natural materials allowing locals (those who remained) to enjoy a better quality of life each month. As the manager, Giovanni, tells me, it's not for everyone. You have "niche" clienti, I tell him. Yes, he says, nich-a. Like the philosopher? Not exactly, I say, but hotel managers who think philosophy at the drop of an Abruzzese wool cap definitely are a niche group. Ho capito, he replies: I GET you. Then we eat a few chunks of local pecorino, talking soccer, while an American in a rented Alfa drives by, almost hitting a deer, he is so focused on the combination of his G.P.S. system and the panino he bought at an Auogrill on the autostrade. Oh, Abruzzi, am I hurting you--and hence slowly poisoning my escape--with such a post?  I will have to care for you as I introduce you around.--A.B.

May 26, 2008

il dottore a roma

I am having a lovely time in Rome. But I can't help but feel that the trip is somewhat marred so far by a persistent cold, sore throat, and fever-like sensation that worsens at night. Until yesterday we thought I just picked up something nasty on the plane. But as it continued to worsen over a week's time, I figured it would be wise to get it checked out. First I went to a farmacia, where things are a little different than they are in America. For one thing, as my local farmacia dottore pointed out, in America, you never get to to speak to the pharmacist: That isn't entirely true, but I know what he means having spent lots of time in inpersonal Rite Aids run by uneducated fools. But then the farmacia dottore continued: Here, we are doctors, he said. And there are four of us all the time in this place. Of course, they only have one form of sudafed that doesn't make you drowsy (Vicks -ah"FLu-ah Action-ah"), and they decide what it is you need, but it is nice to speak to someone who knows a little something about medicine. You like-a this system better than America's, he asked, ah? No, I said. They are both good, but I wish I had the choice over my medication. Ah, he said. But we are doctors. Lina then perked up: But you are doctors of phramacy the same way I am a doctor of psychology, just like our pharmacists. Yes! he said. Clearly we weren't communicating very well. At any rate, I then ran into my Zia on the street looking for peaches at the fruit stand. It so happened she had just returned from her doctor. What type of doctor is he if you don't mind me asking, I said in Italian. Allora, she said. Ancora, sentai male? Si, I replied. Allora. She took my hand and we walked one block from the apartment where she rung up her local doctor's office. We entered and the doctor took me right away, checked my throat and gave me a full exam. I see no sign of bacterial infection, she said; drink water and lemon. And don't let water come from your body (sweat!). Then she OK'ed the phamacist's Sudafed and the new throat spray. Then, when it was time to pay, she refused money. Instead she kissed the both of us, tolf my aunt to feel well and tousled my hair. Then she sent us home and told us to bring her lemons from Amalfi. Now, think of even the nicest doctor in the U.S. Would he or she see you for free, and instantly? Would he or she care enough to put you ahead of her other patients? That is what I miss about the American system. I don't care if I have to pay for my Sudafed (my Zia will get reimbursed by her government-fortified insurance company for my over-the-counter cold meds). But it would be nice if I had a doctor who cared even 30% as much as this fine Roman doctor. Oh, and by the way: She went to Harvard but she grew up in Rome.  Va bene, indeed.

May 23, 2008

an even trade: la farmers' markets for campo dei fiori?

002

How different are Italy's farmers' markets from California's? Having morphed into an Angeleno over the last few years, it's a tough question to answer, especially comparing swank Los Angeles and central Roma. In Larchmont, land of Yuppified Hollywood, you can find, on a Sunday morning, some of the freshest farmers' purple cauliflower, blood oranges (well, no longer this week), meyer lemons, and fava beans. But today, in Roma's Campo dei Fiori, all was alive and well even if I could not find blood oranges there either. I admit that I moved to California from New York after a decade-long love affair with Italy. For me, it was an escape from Washington Heights to America's Italia. I found even Hollywood (well, its hills and lemons) Italian. Still, while I didn't today venture so far into the unvisited Roma as my T+L colleague Gary Shteyngart did last year in Testaccio (Campo dei Fiori is, after all, one of Roma's most famous markets, filled with tourists and lame ristorantes selling everything from panini to "real, Italian" pizza and gelato as well as an amatriciana and carbonara for the Carmella Sopranos of the world), it was nice to be in the company of some fresh zucchini flowers, yelping fish salesmen, and plant seeds that honestly declared their status as "semi-Italian." What that means, I am not sure. But how many people in Los Angeles are from Southern California? And just where did they get their blood orange varietals? Allora...--AB

May 20, 2008

eat like a shallot: stars of the season

Before I head to Italy, land of locavore freshness, especially in Spring, I thought I'd send you to my latest collection of chef interviews for Saveur. It's about the best and some of the more unusual spring ingredients hitting our farmer's markets. Think of me instead of Hannibal when you eat those fava beans, and I promise you a tasty time. Read: Stars of the Season, featuring thoughts from Ming Tsai, Alice Waters, and others.

the new crop

It’s true: The Shallot will no longer live a bi-coastal American life for the next thirty days. Rather, we intend to get bi-continental on your brain. That is, I will be stationed in Italy through the end of June, but I also will soon ask a guest editor to introduce herself. Your host will be a talented LA writer with far-reaching cultural interests and just the right amount of skepticism. While she pens bi-weekly dispatches and more quippy additions, I may chime in with observations about: travel, America's political profile abroad, food, international arts and culture, and the only European country I grew to love in my early twenties. It’s an interesting time to visit, in the wake of reviewing Umberto Eco and certain health conditions, considering, as I often do, the slowing down (if not the eradication) of my digital life in favor of returning to a more natural existence. But then where would the Shallot exist if I turned off the laptop? If the blog has done one thing for me all these years—aside from providing a waystation for my work (from literary to vapid, draw your own conclusions)—it has allowed me to put some parts of myself out into the ether that other vehicles just wouldn’t allow. I have too many stories (fiction and non)--to say nothing of the momentary surge of short ideas I wish to share--that I should have submitted, should have pitched, should have marketed, perhaps, if I had cared more over the years about making myself “known,” as I grow less confident about the so-called market for such work. Alas, I left music performance for a similar reason: I just don’t care to “perform” for an audience. Blogging, when it’s best for me, is about practicing some (casual) element of my craft for a small group of eyes, largely composed of people I know or have grown to know. Or will get to know. Or should know.  I’m not sure how the forthcoming guest editor feels about the form. But I do know she’s doing bang-up work on her site while diving in with lots of energy into this world we call publishing. Give her some of the love (and by love, I also mean good-spirited bile) that you’ve given me, and she will likely respond in kind, engendering the brand of dialogue that the Shallot enjoyed in its earlier, more active years. If I jump in now and again, and I will, it may even be in photo or video form. But I will also be at work on a long-term project as well as travel articles, so let’s make a date to reconvene in a short while and enjoy some new Shalloteering in the meantime. Cheers.

May 16, 2008

river-turning realism

I don't know if you caught Anthony Lane's review of Chris Eigeman's taut new film "Turn the River," starring Famke Janssen with a searching original score by Clogs. But see the movie. It's that rare brand of realistic and seemingly effortless filmmaking that escapes even Oscar nominees, friendo. For those in need of more inspiration, I recently wrote a story about the writer/director, who really deserved a thorough profile of a few pages. Yes, I also got to speak with Famke; yes, she's smart as a whip; and yes, she looks great outside a green-screen studio, even playing a hardass pool hustler, a role that was meant for her.

May 15, 2008

funniest pr faux-pas of the week

Can you believe the misspelled word in the first sentence--especially given the company this guy represents?

"Hi Adam –

Nike helped revolutionize the way people runn by allowing athletes to track their workout through the Nike+ program.  Now, Nike introduces the next evolution of the Nike+ experience – the Nike+ SportBand – which allows runners to get real-time performance feedback during a run, independent of music, while linking them to the world’s largest running club.  Also starting in April, all Nike+ runners can get access to their own personal online trainer with Nike+ Coach...

[DESCRIPTIVE INFO ABOUT NEW NIKE PRODUCTS DELETED TO SAVE YOU TIME.]

For any additional information, questions or to try the Nike+ SportBand, please contact [NAME AND NUMBER REDACTED]. I look forward to hearing from you soon.


Best,

[NAME REDACTED] for Nike"

Pride Shallot

August 2008

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