Glass Shallot by Adam Baer | Adambaer.com

Cleveland Show Calling: The Kanye West Table Read

Recently, GQ posted a little one-question Q&A that I conducted with the co-creators of Fox's new "The Cleveland Show," premiering September 27. Below, is a piece about attending a table-read at the show's offices last spring, followed by a longer transcript of our conversation. 

Grab a folding chair in the front row; avoid clumsy boom-mic gaffers; sit close to the guest stars, and for the love of Hollywood, caffeinate. These are just some rules you should follow if you’re among the animators, production staff, agents, TV execs, writers, and miscellaneous VIPs invited to a table-read for The Cleveland Show, Fox’s "Family Guy" spinoff (premiering September 27) centered around Peter Griffin’s lovable African American neighbor. 

On the day that I drop by, last spring, in the Wilshire Boulevard offices, the scene is business as usual. Nearly. Superagent Ari Emanuel, the brother of the new White House Chief of Staff, is observing (he represents the show’s co-creator, Simpsons writing-staff alum Rich Appel). Taraji P. Henson has a guest spot, fresh off her Oscar nomination for “Benjamin Button.” Also in the house, wearing a crisp white shirt, is spiky haired executive producer and "Family Guy" mastermind Seth MacFarlane, the highest paid and most identifiable comedy writer in the world, no thanks to those Hulu ads in which aliens unfurl from his stomach. And there’s the humble presence of the day's most notable guest-star: Kanye West—quiet and composed, decked out in black, neon-yellow hightops, and his trademark oversized Wayfarers. (Sadly, Arianna Huffington, who plays a talking bear, is absent.)

“The Cleveland Show,” if this is the first you're hearing of it because you live in a glacier, is an attempt to recast the "Family Guy's" gentle deli owner as the patriarch of a new family in Rhode Island, where he lives with his gullible son, Cleveland, Jr., his new wife Roberta, and her ghettoriffic son, Rallo. But did you know America’s most heavily anticipated new African American sitcom’s really the brainchild of Mike Henry, a pale, 44-year-old white guy with easy smile from Richmond, V.A.?  As the source of Cleveland’s laconic whine and the gritty growls of Rallo, Henry seems as if he could just be some soccer dad from the burbs—and it’s a pretty surreal thing to watch, as he vacillates with epic smoothness between urban voice-archetypes as if somewhere inside him is a class clown from the South Side of Chicago. 

From the confines of his office, he says no one’s really ripped into him for doing black-voice—but that's just got to be a testament to how well he pulls it off. “Here Cleveland’s not just the Black Friend, but a much fuller, well-rounded character than he ever was," Henry adds. Appel, a former Harvard-educated lawyer who literally runs the read by announcing the script’s action as fast and naturally as a New York City auctioneer, sharpens the point: “There's a tradition in animated shows, and it’s a virtue that people often aspire to: colorblind casting. You have grown women playing Bart Simpson and Bobby Hill, and Hank Azaria as Apu.  We have Kevin Michael Richardson, who is African American,and while plays Cleveland, Jr., he also plays one of our most redneck, potentially racist [white] characters.”

An admitted “Family Guy” fan, Kanye is—surprise!—playing a character based on himself: a freestylin’ ladies man who competes for a chick with roley-poley Cleveland Jr. through a rap battle at a Jewish neighbor’s house. Picking up a Menorah, he spits: “This voodoo shit’s got nine candles/Your fat ass got nine loooove handles.” Kanye reads OK, if a little slowly, on the fly, but it's not half as magnetic as hearing him perform his own stuff—or, for that matter, posturing for attention on the VMAs.  Voiced smoothly with spot-on syncopation by actor Kevin Michael Richardson, Cleveland, Jr.'s retort wins: “Your flow is fated ‘n’ dated, deflated ‘n’ constipated. If I had to rate it? Hate it. Translated—you ate it… Hey cheeseball, you been grated. Chewed up, swallowed, defecated…On the DVD this won’t be pixilated.” 

Yep, this thing's written by the Family Guy crew.

And, expectedly, the in-crowd eats it up with cheers and measured guffahs. By the end, everyone’s congratulating each other, posing for snaps, and milling out to the hallway where a giant Cleveland cut-out stands in front of a large table of craft-service goodies. What I can’t forget, however, as Ari Emanuel offers Our Rap Icon a high-five handshake—power connection!—is how Hollywood rarely contrasts with its meta-depictions on shows like “Entourage.” To wit, the way Appel introduced the day’s Rhymin' Guest Star star an hour earlier: “The man who will appear two weeks from Saturday at my son’s Bar Mitzvah, I hope… Kanye West!”

*   *   *

As with any reported piece, there's often at least one Q&A behind it. For the true Cleveland fan, here's a three-way phoner I did with the show's co-creators after attending the Kanye Table Read...

My Priceline Staycation... to Dubai?

It was Labor Day. We needed a break. I hated the bullshit word "Staycation," but we had to remain in our city. I turned to Priceline. Madness ensued.

[via The Faster Times]

Lost and Found, On the Way

Upon moving back to Manhattan after my collegiate and early professional sentence to Baltimore, I wrote an essay about finding specific movie sites close to my new apartment, and how it was far easier to lose oneself in a film's faux-reality than to engage in a new adult life, especially in post 9/11 Manhattan. Well, one of those essays will reappear soon in the new anthology "Lost and Found: Stories from New York," edited by writer Thomas Beller, an influential colleague, founder of MrBellersNeighborhood.com, and editor of the literary journal Open City. Pre-order the book and you'll get more than just my post-adolescent ramblings: other contributors include Philip Lopate, Jonathan Ames, and Alicia Erian.

Zach Galifianakis, Actually Alive--and Hilarious--Before "The Hangover"

Believe it or not, r'tards, but there was a moment when only discerning--or inebriated--fans of very smart absurdist comedy knew about Zach Galifianakis. OK, that's not completely true, because the genius, free-thinking improvisation master did act in plenty of crap movies as well as appear on channels like VH-1 for much of the 1990s. But these days, with the success of "The Hangover," to say nothing of out-of-touch newspaper articles that say he just had his "big break" a few years ago with the film "The Comedians of Comedy," it's hard to get an authentic, semi-historical sense for why one of the most intelligent minds in comedy today has actually stolen "The Hangover," a very funny broad-seeming but not unsophisticated movie that looks like it could have easily been a vehicle for someone else. Well, a few years ago, just before "The Comedians of Comedy" hit the theaters--actually, in the afternoon before the movie would premiere on Hollywood Boulevard--Zach invited me over to his Venice, C.A. house to do a little interview for Radar (not today's Radar but the version that was edited and written by smart Spy Magazine-style wits before it went under once and for all). Anyway, the piece is no longer online, but I have the uncut version right here. If you loved "The Hangover," and if you know anything about Noam Chomsky, beards, and Malcom Jamal Warner, you may enjoy this little trip down memory lane. If anything, I can report that it was probably one of my best interview experiences with someone who makes entertainment. Zach's way more than a comedian: he's a thinker, an extremely unpredictable performer, and probably most important, a good guy happy to open his door to a stranger one day in 2005 just hours before he'd have to get all gussied up for a big Hollywood event that would force him to do the unthinkable--get on the freeway. [RADAR Interview PDF]

Never Byrne-d Out

In the course of interviewing David Byrne for this short piece about his design work and music in May's Departures Culturewatch section, I realized that Shallot friend Hillman Curtis had done a really cool commercial (embedded above) for Byrne's joint album with Brian Eno "Everything That Happens Will Happen Today." For people who aren't in the know (which could have been me if I had not done this piece, sadly), the album has been freely streamable on the Web for some time. For those who like to hold amazing design in your hands and play with dice, you can still buy a Sagmeister-designed Deluxe (CD) Package that includes an original Hillman Curtis film about the album as well as a full book and other goodies (watch a video that explains the contents here). 

Byrne told me the following about why the duo decided to offer the album in these different forms. "We had both been thinking about the changes the music business has been going through," he said. "There are now many more ways that musicians can get their messages across than before, though the industry typically lags behind. We decided to try some of those out for ourselves by initially selling the record exclusively through our website and allowing people to stream the whole album if they simply wanted to hear what it was like.  It just seemed obvious. I wanted to sing these songs more, so I asked my booking agents to book some tours -- so that kind of gave the project an endpoint -- and the only way to get the music out to people before the tour started was to make it available online.  That said, there are many among us who still love a physical object. A well-designed package can enhance the experience. It used to be that an eye-catching package helped sell a record: it would shout at you like a box of laundry detergent. But I don't think CD package design is meant to do that anymore. Now it's more about adding another layer to the experience. I'd worked with Stefan (Sagmeister) many times before, so he was a natural choice."

Other questions broached in my interview included prompts about the joy of performing.  "At my age and situation, I don't need to tour simply for financial reasons (though I do make money touring)," Byrne said. "Though I would love to believe otherwise, I don't think touring sells many records either. I do it for two reasons: it's immensely pleasurable these days and because I can (immodestly, I can say that I do know how to perform and put on a show). The show we've created -- the band, crew, singers, dancers, choreographers, etc. -- is like nothing I've ever done before, so though half of the show consists of older material, it's been placed in a new context. At some point, performing changed from being a thing that I psychologically had to do into something that was actually pleasurable. Some edge in my demeanor might have been lost with those changes, but songs from that period remain, so the edginess can be dredged back up."

Byrne, as the article points out, also writes the music to the HBO show Big Love (coming back soon), which actually opens with Brian Wilson and the Beach Boys's "God Only Knows," so I was curious as to how he might add music to such a thoroughly branded motion picture experience.  "It's an interesting show and doing a score like this allows one to exercise some musical muscles one doesn't always use," Byrne said. "It's good to stretch oneself sometimes, to get out of a comfort zone, which forces some kind of creative response. Initially I thought I'd try to base much of the music on Mormon hymns -- not use them but write in that style. Having seen the 1st season, I sensed that many of the characters felt that their behavior and decisions were based on deep spiritual beliefs -- as wacky and unusual as some of it might seem to us. I therefore imagined that hymn-type chord progressions and melodies would hint at this spiritual underpinning without saying it out loud. The hope was also that this music would also help one empathize with the characters, even, or maybe especially, with some of the more extreme ones. Music can hint at their motivations and justifications, where their hearts are despite what we see them doing. Well, in the end, that approach only worked a few times: it tended to draw attention to itself and to draw you out of the intimate scale of the drama. That music tended to pull you back to a God's eye view of things -- yes, music can do that. So, in the end I had to use other muscles and write some other material that was subtler, more character driven."

Intriguing, especially for film music buffs (of which there are few, apparently). More au courant, perhaps, was Byrne's answer to my question about how he and Eno both influence(d) each other.  He answered: "The process of using the recording studio as a writing tool was something a few of us learned from Brian. Not that he was the only one to do it, but they way he encouraged us in Talking Heads (and myself) to start from zero and create new tracks was something we were ready for...it was the right idea, the right nudge, at the right moment. It wasn't that strange, really, as it basically was taking the writing process, which usually goes on in one's head, hidden, invisible, or little my little with a guitar in hand and some notepaper in front, and it made it all -- the creative process -- explicit, visible, and most important for potential collaborators, available for others to enter into. How did Talking Heads and myself influence Brian? I think we encouraged him to be a little more funky, more groove oriented."

At last, A Way To Park On My Street

Vista and Refuge: Interview with a Big Sur Yurt-Hotel Owner/White Tanker Firefighter

In May’s Men’s Journal, I have a one-pager about Big Sur in the wake of last year’s wildfires. In the piece, I write about an awesome collection of yurts overlooking the Pacific ocean called Treebones. My wife and I hung out in Big Sur for this piece in November ‘08, on the weekend that Santa Barbara's Montecito area lit up like a roman candle, and on which there were crazy winds that shook us, and a fair amount of our camping friends in Ojai and beyond, all night long. Why Lina and I continually end up in oceanfront mountains during wildfires and windstorms is beyond me. That said, we’d been to Treebones before, and we’ll return. There’s nothing like it, and it’s only perhaps too rustic for the Woody Allen wannabe who can’t hold down his lunch west of the Mississippi. But if you want a little supplement to the MJ piece, I thought that I’d post some of a long and bewitchingly cool interview with Treebones’s unusually decent founder, John Handy, a recently indoctrinated volunteer fireman and green-building pioneer who used to work as a toy executive down in super-serious LA, eventually decided to leave the so-called grid, and now owns a Big White Tanker and lives in Henry Miller’s woods, where it’s nice and natural, and no one wants to stick you with dirty needles for your change from the Korean fried chicken place. Here, if you haven't opened the PDF yet is the Q&A. For more about traveling to Big Sur, here's the MJ piece, which is also available on their Web site. --AB

gefilte fish-off 3.0

If you actually think you can beat Shallot's only gefilte fish winner, feel free to send in your recipes now, regardless of how you feel about that tired subject called Organized Religion (boo! yay!). Bonus: Best gefilte-related story wins you a publication and a surprise award to be discussed in public on this here Interweb portal.

the new pressures of being a successful male writer in hollywood

We must now look this hot and put-together whenever we leave our Laurel Canyon homes.

Disclosure: What AIG Gave Me

This:

Recession Real Estate 101

I love LA. Even in a recession, the real estate agents know how to sell. (Clara, you hussie!)

Jon Stewart and Jim Cramer (and Bernie Madoff)

Forgive me, Jon Stewart and Jim Cramer (and Bernie Madoff), I was just taught the keyword magic used by top S.E.O. experts to improve my pageviews and already steep income from blog ads, and I'm experimenting with the Jon Stewart and Jim Cramer and Daily Show and CNBC news to see if the Jon Stewart and Jim Cramer and Daily Show and CNBC news will give me more than the usual three readers today, a day when everyone is talking about Jon Stewart and Jim Cramer and the Daily Show and CNBC. And, oh, the Recession. And Economy. And GM. And some guys called Obama, Madoff, Michael Jackson, and China.

From the Shallot Press Release Inbox...

Occasionally (alright, frequently), the Shallot gets a press release that's just too much fun not to share. Who needs entertaining journalism when a company does the work for you?

Today's featured release:

"Speakal Launches Limited Edition Black iPig, Available Exclusively at Amazon.com

iPod® Docking Station featuring 25 watts of power, touch volume controls, unparalleled design elements and a high gloss black finish

Culver City, CA – March 9, 2009 – Speakal is thrilled to announce the Limited Edition Black iPig, available exclusively through Amazon.com.  Listening and reacting to the demands of their valued customers, Speakal designers gave the iPig a high-gloss black finish.  The iPig combines quality, performance, compatibility and style into one compact iPod® docking station.  This elegant iPig model is only available in limited quantities and provides consumers with a truly one-of-a-kind iPod® audio solution.

“Due to excessive demand, we are proud to offer this one time opportunity to our customers,” said Speakal CEO David Solomon.  “The exclusive availability on Amazon.com will certainly insure our customers have a pleasant purchasing experience and we are happy to grant this exclusivity,” added Solomon.

Despite its small footprint, the iPig features 5 speakers that pump out 25 watts of premium and highly efficient sound.   The acoustic design elements enable the iPig to disseminate 360 degree sound, insuring  the entire room is filled with heart-pumping sound.  It’s rubberized feet ensure the crystal clear audio isn’t interrupted by any unwanted vibrations.  Additionally, Speakal continues to make the environment a top priority when it comes to the production of their entire product line.  Through their use of earth friendly components, production methods and product power usage, Speakal promises to have as little impact on the environment as possible. Please visit the Limited Edition Black iPig along with all other Speakal products at www.amazon.com/ipig."

Unopened Press CD of the Week

[Shallot's Unopened Press CD of the Week is a newly recurring feature in which the Boss finally unwraps one of the discs that had been sent to him for review and shares the cover art, which always, obviously, Says It All.]

melody: who needs (all of) it?

" So a great song does not need a well-crafted, “memorable” melody to work."--Suzanne Vega, The New York Times "Measure for Measure" blog

Dear Ms. Vega:

I have an idea for a song and wondered if it might fit what you call a classic, so I have attached an MP3 that you can actually download in seconds with just dialup Internet access. See, I agree that you and Lou Reed and Alban Berg can write awesome songs without indulging in the crazy, clearly over-the-top melodic constructions of most songwriters and composers--all those notes and leaps and tonics and dominant keys. I just have to ask why? I don't even think you need to go to music school or learn to play an instrument to make a hit, you know? I think all that shit is just prejudiced. Anyway, could you please take 3 seconds to listen to my tune and let me know what you think? Oh, and I'm sorry I wrote my letter backwards and didn't initially introduce myself. My name is Luka; I live on the second floor; I live upstairs from you; Yes, I think you've seen me before. (If you hear something late at night, some kind of trouble some kind of fight, just don't ask me what it was. My piano teacher is still getting used to this minimalist tunesmith thing. They only hit until you cry, and after that you don't ask why.)

Sincerely,
Your Biggest (but most subtle) Fan

coming attractions

Byrne tallks to the Shallot. Stay tuned.

that ain't me, or trust me: i would not ever refer to ethel merman and do not own an iphone

Readers shocked the Shallot today with e-mails aflutter stating how proud they were to see me mentioned in today's David Pogue column. Well, sorry friendos. That ain't me. Must be another Adam Baer. Maybe the installation artist who wants me to give up the domain name adambaer.com -- you know, the guy about whom I once pitched Wired an Internet Doppelganger story.

Men At Work at Work. No, Really.

Talk about Overkill.

*my 25 things

"I don't want to know 25 things about you. In fact, I don't want to know two things about you. But somehow you've found me on Facebook and sent me your "25 Random Things About Me," which I deleted."--Joel Stein, Los Angeles Times, Feb 13, 2009

"Oh, well."--The Shallot, Feb 15, 2009

1. I do not, like Joel Stein, write about celebrities for major magazines and take money from film and television studios for "entertainment development." That ain't right.
2. I do, however, respond to Los Angeles Times articles even though I have been paid by them for many attempts at journalism. (i.e. I realize I can't blame you for #1, Joel, but I also know that I just did. Welcome to the blogosphere, people. And yes, if you're a film studio that wants to work with me and produced a film I covered in the LA Times, please contact me at glass DOT shallot AT gmail.com)
3. I feel bad for humor columnists, especially those at papers that have declared bankruptcy situated in states that can't dig themselves out of debt, in part, because they're filled with very stupid (if often lovable) people. But if a newspaper asked me to write a new column in this day and age, I would say yes. All hail newspapers. Even those in states filled with illiterate androids who cannot drive.
4. I do not believe in Snark for Snark's sake. I'm just drunk.
5. I deleted my 25 things list on Facebook at precisely the same time as a friend wrote to say I was brave for posting the thing.
6. After receiving said note from said friend, I did not repost. He was right. I was brave. And now some editor I work with probably thinks I'm pure evil.
7. I don't think people who say that "others who don't respond to e-mails are asses" are asses. I think they're right. But again, there is no proof that I have ever published such a thing on Facebook. I could very well be referring to your list of 25 things. In fact, I am.
8. I also would not think any less of someone, much less a freelance writer, for writing in his or her list that he is really tired of writing about subjects he hates. Again, I would never do this myself--I do not necessarily feel this way about my work, you see--but I would not ostracize such a person.
9. I believe that ostracization from your employers in this down-economy is reprehensible.
10. I would change all of my beliefs for a job to do write about anything. I hope I didn't give you cause to think otherwise.
11. I am not so great at writing long, funny lists, however.
12. I don't think that writers who can't write long, funny lists about themselves should be thought of as incapabable of writing lucid prose about the arts, entertainment, travel, health, technology, real estate, business, food, or any other topic that might be covered in a newspaper or major national magazine. Or that they should be thought of as ungrateful for that piece they may have just been paid $4 a word for while other writers are scrambling for work that pays 10% of such a fee.
13. One caveat to #12: I loved my most recent assignment. I am a humble man.
14. I never held a staff position at a newspaper, magazine, or studio that required me to report to an office.
15. I have turned down 11 staff job offers from newspapers, magazines, and film studios over the years. Just kidding. If you knew such a thing, you would never offer me a job, right? Well, that's why I was just lying.
16. I despise liars.
17. I am self-contradictory. Just like you, you, and you. Maybe we should all, you know, hang.
18. I don't like list items that say things like: I enjoy starchy fruits but don't eat carbs; I despise degenerate gamblers but once won 50 grand in vegas; I have 13 toes but know I'm hot; my favorite band is Journey, and I have awesome musical taste; or I secretly want to ride a motorcycle.
19. My overarching reason for the statement made in #18 is that I think it's pretty evident we all do things that may seem unlikely to most people who know us, so why try to shock people? Oh, because that's the new way to be "funny," now that How to Be Sarcastic is on some WikiHow page accessible to people who had to cheat their ways into community colleges.
20. I am actually a bank robber even though I look like a nice Jewish guy.
21. I thought about re-writing my 25 things for Facebook after having deleted the first list. I thought it would be wise to write something that would be entertaining for everyone in my group, including professional connections, people I went to schools with but don't talk to very much if at all, etc. But then I realized: No one would read it anyway. In fact, I wish I could delete most of you. Kidding! I swear. On my dead great uncle.
22. My great uncle is very much alive. I didn't delete my first list because it could get me in trouble. I did it out of insecurity.
23. I learned it by watching you.
24. Joel Stein is my favorite LA Times columnist because he actually writes about things I care about in a readable and entertaining manner. I may be a writer, but I really don't like complicated prose, or read very much, for that matter. I am also aware that Joel Stein is "friends," if not just Facebook friends, with some of my "friends" (and maybe even some of my Friends), and I wouldn't mind having a beer with him soon (no pressure, Joel; but I'm not kidding).
25. I don't mind getting emotional and transparent and honest as if I've had 12 drinks at a Valentine's Day party at the end of my 25 things lists. I know that's the general emotional arc of these things, but I will coalesce this time and thwart my desire to be subversive. 25 Things List 4eva!

how were films made before coraline?

The question is shooting through Hollywood's power corridors this morning, and we're here to report on the phenomenon. Apparently, directors have wasted most of the modern film era trying to tell stories on a one-dimensional screen one could watch when in fact they should have been writing search-for-the-missing-items video games as movies that come straight at your eyes like that bus that almost flattened you co-worker this morning on Wilshire. I mean, do all these directors from the past realize how much they forced us to miss out on? Did they really think that by letting us watch creatively etched narratives told in moving pictures -- or hell, showing us finely drawn classic cartoons -- that we would be able to use our imaginations and draw distinctions between real life and the movies? Clearly, no one had a second to think about how much better it would be to just throw us all into some simulated virtual world with thin scripts and mindless role-playing so fully realized that we'd find our lives even more boring than they objectively remain. Oh, Coraline. Where you have been all these years?

Some topics we're pondering of late (regular programming on its way!)

A scientist's work is never done

We are big fans of this new study, which finally gives the overweight an excuse to be stupid. But what about us stupid people who were morons before we got fat?

We. Want. Answers!

We'd post today but we're Foxtrotting. With difficulty.

New Year's Resolution

Never throw black-tie parties for our new premium vodka without making sure each lovely guest gets into a cab when the sun comes up.

WE DO THE THING TO DO FOR: DEC 31

Ah, home

Surprise, the book is empty! (We'll be here--in the virtual Catskills, that is--all week.)

Hoop Dreams for Hanukkah

McSweeney's jumped right into Shallot life with its recent Recreational Jewish Youth Basketball: An Ethnography. Our contribution to the team?

Russell DeFonzo, a 25-assist-per-game, half-Jewish point-guard with a killer crossover and red-spiked hair, who will eventually break from the group in 9th grade and end up dropping out of school to run a sports gambling arm of a local crew loosely associated with his single father's Pontiac-leasing business.

Hey, they couldn't all have majored in political science.

Shallot: The Answer to Evil

Get ready, everyone. Because this winter, Shallot stars in a new movie, playing a man who tried to kill Hitler. It's not Claus von Stauffenberg. But trust us, this is the litmus test for Anti-Evil. Xenu told us through our Speak & Spell last night.Take that, protestors.

Jimmy One-Note

It's not fun to be a hater (although it's probably fun to be the brilliant Bill Hader). But all this Fallon-mania over the last few days reminded Shallot that he'd written a couple pieces for The New Republic years ago that may have been prescient in the wake of Jimmy Fallon's vlog debut and Conan's preparation for LA. So Shallot, never one to be shy about skewing self-referential, wrote a few words on his previous work. Does it still hold up? Is Jimmy making tons of money when the rest of the country is eating ramen noodles? Find out in the New Republic.

A Black Guy, a Priest, and a Rabbi Walk into the White House...

Don't worry, an Obama presidency won't mean the end of comedy. Or will it?

See (and laugh with) my latest piece for GQ with quotes from David Alan Grier, Lewis Black, Garry Shandling, and more!