When I was just getting started and the Atkins diet was everywhere, I did a little humor piece for McSweeney's. But in the spirit of a doctor who just told me to cut out carbs--are we really that advanced Mr. Cedars?--let's reminisce from the days of meat.
REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD
"Atkins Beanit Butter"
by Adam Baer
You're fat. You need to lose weight. You eat too much, but there's certainly got to be a way around that. At least that's what you thought when you started Atkins. But now you're finding that the mesmerizing tray of salted chicken-thighs glistening in the Ron Popeil Showtime Rotisserie isn't enough for a solo low-carb dinner. Your three-pound chuck steak family-pack, broiled to perfection, is flying right though you by the beginning of Must-See-TV. Your $9 block of Parmesan is light fare, despite your cardiologist-brother's characterization of it as "the most potent mass of cholesterol I have ever seen anyone ingest." You need something to really stick to your ribs. But you can't gorge yourself on PB&Js like you did when you ditched ninth-grade chem lab to run back to your house and binge while attacking your father's porn collection. You've made a "mature decision" about how you will "view food" and the "act of eating." And that's where Atkins Beanit Butter comes in. With less than one gram of "Net Carbs" per two-tablespoon serving, there's no stopping your nostalgia for tongue-slathering Skippy. Gorge on the nut-buttery goodness of this high-protein soy product and feel completely at ease that you haven't cheated on your new, disciplined "lifestyle choice." Spreadable on new Atkins Bran-A-Crisps, and a perfect lead-in to a bowl of Atkins Nutlettes—the "crunchy crispy" cereal-and-milk-flavored treat sweetened with the low-glycemic "Sugar Not" for those carb-controllers hankering to revisit memories of midnight dorm-room Fruit Loops.
Also check out "Vote for me: A Commodore 64"--a humor piece back when we thought Obama was a Mac! (For the record, all forms of computers are hating me this week, and I work on PCs but hate Vista.)