Luda Kafkavian, who boasts to her friends how she all-too-often smacks and spits at the faces of such celebrities as Glass Shallot's star founder as well as Mad Men's Jon Hamm, Pineapple Express's James Franco, and designer Tom Ford, was taken into police custody today after pulling the hair and ripping off the eyelid of a city official who was simply trying to verify the independent business license for her Notary Public/Armenian deli storefront. (Shallot was there. Unharmed, thankfully.)
The fuzz tell us that Kafkavian, who enjoys fame as a purveyor of Armenian delights as well as one of the most elite notaries in Beverly Hills who can quote "The Penal Colony" and forge the signatures of most major European authors, has been in such trouble before.
We're also told that, when the city official moved to check Kafkavian's license while Il Shallot entered to confirm she wasn't selling forged letters from the late Franz Kafka (what a coincidence!), Kafkavian screamed, "Get the f-- away from me, you human cockroaches!" Then she attacked.
Luckily the city official knew her Kafka, too, and was able to pummel the assailant into submission with the hardback copy of "Metamorphosis" she keeps in her backpack. Kafkavian was eventually thrown into that swank Bev Hills slammer we all know so well, and Shallot was saved. However, a band of trustafarian tutors from a local non-profit writing lab posted her $35k bail. It's reported that the rich kids liked her hummus.
Our advice? Stay clear of the corner of Olympic and Beverly if you need help with your Kafka while getting anything important notarized.