Glass Shallot by Adam Baer | Adambaer.com

Cleveland Show Calling: The Kanye West Table Read

Recently, GQ posted a little one-question Q&A that I conducted with the co-creators of Fox's new "The Cleveland Show," premiering September 27. Below, is a piece about attending a table-read at the show's offices last spring, followed by a longer transcript of our conversation. 

Grab a folding chair in the front row; avoid clumsy boom-mic gaffers; sit close to the guest stars, and for the love of Hollywood, caffeinate. These are just some rules you should follow if you’re among the animators, production staff, agents, TV execs, writers, and miscellaneous VIPs invited to a table-read for The Cleveland Show, Fox’s "Family Guy" spinoff (premiering September 27) centered around Peter Griffin’s lovable African American neighbor. 

On the day that I drop by, last spring, in the Wilshire Boulevard offices, the scene is business as usual. Nearly. Superagent Ari Emanuel, the brother of the new White House Chief of Staff, is observing (he represents the show’s co-creator, Simpsons writing-staff alum Rich Appel). Taraji P. Henson has a guest spot, fresh off her Oscar nomination for “Benjamin Button.” Also in the house, wearing a crisp white shirt, is spiky haired executive producer and "Family Guy" mastermind Seth MacFarlane, the highest paid and most identifiable comedy writer in the world, no thanks to those Hulu ads in which aliens unfurl from his stomach. And there’s the humble presence of the day's most notable guest-star: Kanye West—quiet and composed, decked out in black, neon-yellow hightops, and his trademark oversized Wayfarers. (Sadly, Arianna Huffington, who plays a talking bear, is absent.)

“The Cleveland Show,” if this is the first you're hearing of it because you live in a glacier, is an attempt to recast the "Family Guy's" gentle deli owner as the patriarch of a new family in Rhode Island, where he lives with his gullible son, Cleveland, Jr., his new wife Roberta, and her ghettoriffic son, Rallo. But did you know America’s most heavily anticipated new African American sitcom’s really the brainchild of Mike Henry, a pale, 44-year-old white guy with easy smile from Richmond, V.A.?  As the source of Cleveland’s laconic whine and the gritty growls of Rallo, Henry seems as if he could just be some soccer dad from the burbs—and it’s a pretty surreal thing to watch, as he vacillates with epic smoothness between urban voice-archetypes as if somewhere inside him is a class clown from the South Side of Chicago. 

From the confines of his office, he says no one’s really ripped into him for doing black-voice—but that's just got to be a testament to how well he pulls it off. “Here Cleveland’s not just the Black Friend, but a much fuller, well-rounded character than he ever was," Henry adds. Appel, a former Harvard-educated lawyer who literally runs the read by announcing the script’s action as fast and naturally as a New York City auctioneer, sharpens the point: “There's a tradition in animated shows, and it’s a virtue that people often aspire to: colorblind casting. You have grown women playing Bart Simpson and Bobby Hill, and Hank Azaria as Apu.  We have Kevin Michael Richardson, who is African American,and while plays Cleveland, Jr., he also plays one of our most redneck, potentially racist [white] characters.”

An admitted “Family Guy” fan, Kanye is—surprise!—playing a character based on himself: a freestylin’ ladies man who competes for a chick with roley-poley Cleveland Jr. through a rap battle at a Jewish neighbor’s house. Picking up a Menorah, he spits: “This voodoo shit’s got nine candles/Your fat ass got nine loooove handles.” Kanye reads OK, if a little slowly, on the fly, but it's not half as magnetic as hearing him perform his own stuff—or, for that matter, posturing for attention on the VMAs.  Voiced smoothly with spot-on syncopation by actor Kevin Michael Richardson, Cleveland, Jr.'s retort wins: “Your flow is fated ‘n’ dated, deflated ‘n’ constipated. If I had to rate it? Hate it. Translated—you ate it… Hey cheeseball, you been grated. Chewed up, swallowed, defecated…On the DVD this won’t be pixilated.” 

Yep, this thing's written by the Family Guy crew.

And, expectedly, the in-crowd eats it up with cheers and measured guffahs. By the end, everyone’s congratulating each other, posing for snaps, and milling out to the hallway where a giant Cleveland cut-out stands in front of a large table of craft-service goodies. What I can’t forget, however, as Ari Emanuel offers Our Rap Icon a high-five handshake—power connection!—is how Hollywood rarely contrasts with its meta-depictions on shows like “Entourage.” To wit, the way Appel introduced the day’s Rhymin' Guest Star star an hour earlier: “The man who will appear two weeks from Saturday at my son’s Bar Mitzvah, I hope… Kanye West!”

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As with any reported piece, there's often at least one Q&A behind it. For the true Cleveland fan, here's a three-way phoner I did with the show's co-creators after attending the Kanye Table Read...

Zach Galifianakis, Actually Alive--and Hilarious--Before "The Hangover"

Believe it or not, r'tards, but there was a moment when only discerning--or inebriated--fans of very smart absurdist comedy knew about Zach Galifianakis. OK, that's not completely true, because the genius, free-thinking improvisation master did act in plenty of crap movies as well as appear on channels like VH-1 for much of the 1990s. But these days, with the success of "The Hangover," to say nothing of out-of-touch newspaper articles that say he just had his "big break" a few years ago with the film "The Comedians of Comedy," it's hard to get an authentic, semi-historical sense for why one of the most intelligent minds in comedy today has actually stolen "The Hangover," a very funny broad-seeming but not unsophisticated movie that looks like it could have easily been a vehicle for someone else. Well, a few years ago, just before "The Comedians of Comedy" hit the theaters--actually, in the afternoon before the movie would premiere on Hollywood Boulevard--Zach invited me over to his Venice, C.A. house to do a little interview for Radar (not today's Radar but the version that was edited and written by smart Spy Magazine-style wits before it went under once and for all). Anyway, the piece is no longer online, but I have the uncut version right here. If you loved "The Hangover," and if you know anything about Noam Chomsky, beards, and Malcom Jamal Warner, you may enjoy this little trip down memory lane. If anything, I can report that it was probably one of my best interview experiences with someone who makes entertainment. Zach's way more than a comedian: he's a thinker, an extremely unpredictable performer, and probably most important, a good guy happy to open his door to a stranger one day in 2005 just hours before he'd have to get all gussied up for a big Hollywood event that would force him to do the unthinkable--get on the freeway. [RADAR Interview PDF]

extremely original facebook-status updates from my network, posted during tonight's debate

In Chronological Order, from the most recent:

1. Mr. V "is mad that Joe the plumber just charged me 250,000 to unclug a drain."
    COMMENT: "I want his publicist. Dude's gonna be on Entourage next week."
2. MS. X "is watching the debate. thank you dvr. thank you."
2. MS. Y "thinks an angry old man sitting across the table from world leaders is NOT something I want."
3. MS. A "wouldn't call Palin a "role model" for this woman."
4. MR. C "is wondering if anyone knows a good plumber."
    COMMENT: "Plumbers do not pay taxes. They get paid in cash. And like waiters, they do not declare and pay taxes on a good portion of their independent income. Most plumbers make more than teachers, police, or fireman. So the candidates should have picked a teacher or lumberjack or barrista as an example"
5. MS. A "pro-choice doesn't mean pro-abortion, a-hole."
6. MS. F "thinks Obama is a class act."
7. MS. T "is thinking McCain doesn't know he's on split-screen."
8. MS. E "thinks McCain looks and sounds desperate"
9. MS. F " is amazed at Obama's restraint."
10. MS. F "wants to know what the Great Society was... I must not have been paying attention in American history."
11. MS. F "thinks McCain is really grasping..."
12. MS. G "is debate."
13. MR. V "is not going to hold back when watching the debates."
14. MS. J "knows her autistic kid is in good hands with Sarah because she 'understands special-needs children.'"

10 days since updating anything on Facebook, and I have to say, I feel such so clogged with  unexpressed emotion, I just don't know what to do...

Uncurbed Enthusiasm

Usher in this new Jewish year (and this is an offer  open to atheist shunners of organized religion, believe me!) with this new Salon profile of former "Curb Your Enthusiasm" director Robert B. Weide. The former documentarian sees his feature directorial debut this week, but, for "Curb" fans, his Web site, duckprods.com, offers some facts about the show you want to know.  (Incidentally, Weide won one of his Emmy awards for one of our favorite "Curb" episodes, "Crazee Eyes Killah" [related pic above]).

"Try to see it my way" or "Welcome to LA, Rock-band mediator edition"

Shallot HQ For Sale

Come off it: You often wondered where this here blog gets made every day. Well, now's your chance not only to see Shallot HQ but to consider buying it, completely furnished. Yes, we're moving onwards and upwards and having the once-in-a-lifetime Nico Santucci-produced Shallot Estate Sale, replete with help from our hardworking Shallot interns (meet them in the video slideshow). So come by today and tomorrow to place your bids. And yes, soon you will be able to keep a boat in your pool, too.

Rolling Shallot

See the Shallot-authored "Tales from the Writers' Room" in today's Rolling Stone (RS 1061), featuring interviews with Mel Brooks, Garry Shandling, David Wain, and other comedy all-stars.

And check out the issue's thorough survey of some of the funniest mouths on issues like their big breaks and funniest jokes, as well as a telling Letterman Q&A.

An excerpt from the interview I conducted with Robin Williams:

My Favorite Joke:
"Guy’s having sex with his wife. All of a sudden he looks over, and there in the doorway is his son, about eight years old. Kid looks horrified, and the kid runs away. The guy says to his wife, “Well, I’d better talk to Timmy.” He puts on his clothes and goes to Timmy’s room. He opens the door, and there’s Timmy nailing Grandma. The father goes, “Oh, my God!” And the kid goes, “Not so funny when it’s your mom, is it?”--Robin Williams, RS 1061

And stay tuned for more online extras from the writer's cutting room floor.

 

Shallot Casual: Suggestions for flying JetBlue

1. Make sure you haven't already obtained and begun to use the American Express JetBlue credit card, so you won't be annoyed at how much more points towards a free flight it's supposed to provide than it really does, should you decide to make it your primary means of overspending.

2. Book flights last minute to get back to your ever-venerable Long Island hometown and the scumbags it produced to help your family mourn a close loved one.  You don't need to ask for "so-called bereavement rates" as numerous JetBlue employees will tell you, because JetBlue flights are "already priced so low that" they "undercut the rumored 'death discounts.'"

3. Do not tell the customer service lady in Utah that she's wrong about the pricing she mentions in point #2. She will get nasty. And yell. And tell you that "even Mormons have a limit." And isn't it more important to avoid any form of human conflict than to actually get a company to operate ethically? You do not have the right to ask simple questions of customer service employees when it might result in your last-minute flight back for a funeral not costing, oh, $1,500. Let's be reasonable.

4. Enjoy your DirectTV even if the headphone jacks don't work. It will be a good distraction from the frequent leg cramps you experience because the last-minute, $1,500 seat you purchased doesn't actually sport the "even more legroom" you chose to buy on top of the generously low price. Bask in the classless society of JetBlue. Every once in a while, DirectTV should be silent when babies are crying in three aisles around you. That's what being a part of a faux-Marxist passenger community run by a money-hungry airline is all about. Fraternity.

5. Believe in your pilot, even when the plane nosedives for about 30 straight seconds more than three times in one flight and then nearly flicks itself off the runway upon landing. Clearly the perfect flying conditions as reported by your friend the Caltech aviation buff should be blamed for the landing. JetBlue pilots rock. You know this because you saw them holding a Supertramp CD in the cockpit upon arrival.

6. Remain unconcerned about the fact that the cabin remains 80 degrees in the dead of August. JetBlue is keeping the planes "balmy" for your "tropical comfort," what might be called a "vacation extension," not because it's important to save money at the expense of passengers as oil prices and airfares rise.

7. Don't ask your cousin to check the e-mail itinerary confirmation the last night of the trip. The fact that you purchased last minute flights on the phone for extra money so that everything would be taken care of by an actual human should be enough to persuade you that everything was done correctly. But if you like, do please make two subsequent phone calls to confirm the flights are right. It's much more dramatic and hence exciting this way; after all has been confirmed twice and your family member finally gets around to checking the confirmation e-mail a few days later only to see that you and your wife have been put on different flights--one returning one week later than the other, despite the same flight number and price--you can get really deeply into the role of "irate customer," an archetype you had always wanted to study in film school.

8. Do not ask the next "nice" customer service lady in Utah if you can avoid change fees for the flight to be "corrected" back to the original plans that had been made and then confirmed twice over the phone.  Instead just force Betty with a barrage of expletives to apologize on behalf of the airline and then make everything right even though you failed to record the conversations you had with her brethren the way you now record almost every important call you make to your insurance company, because you've been wronged by them so many times, it's almost acceptable to be paranoid about them trying to rape your bank account on a weekly basis. Forcing people to do stuff like this over the phone, when your week hangs in the balance is definitely the way to go. Especially with the oh-so-flexible and friendly Utah-based JetBlue support staff.

9. Drink lots of vodka on the new flight, and ask for ice. That Oprah show your mom keeps talking about where the airline ice makers were found to contain all kinds of viruses and bacteria, including fecal matter, has to be complete bullshit. The flight assistants are really friendly. Friendly means no bacteria.

10. Remember that while Virgin America sounds like a thinking person's alternative to JetBlue, it would be a pain in the ass to have to fly from LAX versus nearby Burbank, with all its B-level celebrities, Universal Studios-bound families, and pornstars vogueing for paparazzi shots as you weep not that you have lost a family member but that even the most forward-thinking airline in America has gone to complete shit.

Shallot Casual: I don't know who Michael Phelps is

It's not that I just don't know the names of Olympic athletes. I don't care what their names are. I can't run. I can't play on the rings, and I can't throw a javelin. So I don't watch the Olympics. Take that, NBC and China! While we're at it: I don't even think the Olympics are good for the world. Why are we all converging over sports when we can't even have successful global talks about anything really important? You know, like... TV. I would attend a Real TV Olympics. Let's put Californication up against whatever shows about writers air in other countries (I don't know them because I'm an American who lacks, how you say, "curiosity?"). Let's get Tony Soprano to kick some Australian Mafia ass. How about opening ceremonies with the Pussy Cat Dolls giving all those Chinese cheerleaders body dismorphic disorders. Let's have Mad Men slyly persuade and mock its way around that Russian show about car salesmen. I want to see Estonian drug dealers fuck with the guys from The Wire. For the dudes from Big Bang Theory to throw scientifically superior discuses at any sit-com writer who ever set foot on a foreign studio lot and thought he could write physics grad-school humor... In my world, the  Real TV Olympics would be something worth watching. Too meta for you? Get on the train. Sports is for wimps, weaklings, and losers.

today's facebook notification

The Internets tell me that 5 of my friends have already installed the "iPhone for Brain" application via mobile Facebook. Now I can't speak to them without caressing their cheeks and stomachs with my index finger before picking what topic I'd like to discuss. On the upside, they are much thinner than me and getting lots more physical attention.