1. I'm all for visiting the Santa Barbara county wineries, but given the fact that you want to "do it right, all day long, like they do in the movie," don't you think we should plan to do it and leave LA later than 2 pm on an August Saturday so as to avoid traffic and other wine-country tourists and actually get a chance to visit more than one winery before they all close?
2. I'm all for visiting the Santa Barbara county wineries, but given the fact that you want to "do it right, all day long, like they do in the movie," don't you think we should plan to do it and leave LA later than 2 pm on an August Saturday so as to avoid traffic and other wine-country tourists and actually get a chance to visit more than one winery before they all close? And while we're at it, maybe we should plan to take a car that's big enough for the whole lot of us, so my wife (your daughter) doesn't have to twist herself like a contortionist in the middle of the backseat of your beautiful (and believe me, it's a knockout) but just ever-so-slightly too-small Dick Tracy-ish rental car?
3. I'm all for visiting the Santa Barbara county wineries, but given the fact that you want to "do it right, all day long, like they do in the movie," don't you think we should plan to do it and leave LA later than 2 pm on an August Saturday so as to avoid traffic and other wine-country tourists and actually get a chance to visit more than one winery before they all close? And while we're at it, maybe we should plan to take a car that's big enough for the whole lot of us, so my wife (your daughter) doesn't have to twist herself like a contortionist in the middle of the backseat of your beautiful (and believe me, it's a knockout) but just ever-so-slightly too-small Dick Tracy-ish rental car? Call me one of those "insane" California drivers, but maybe we should also go a hair faster than 55--you know, so we can just get to the winery before they stop doing their "Sideways" shtick that we all really think it will be fun to see even if we've seen it before (20 times, with other California visitors who have as original and fun ideas as you)?
4. I'm all for visiting the Santa Barbara county wineries, but given the fact that you want to "do it right, all day long, like they do in the movie," don't you think we should plan to do it and leave LA later than 2 pm on an August Saturday so as to avoid traffic and other wine-country tourists and actually get a chance to visit more than one winery before they all close? And while we're at it, maybe we should plan to take a car that's big enough for the whole lot of us, so my wife (your daughter) doesn't have to twist herself like a contortionist in the middle of the backseat of your beautiful (and believe me, it's a knockout) but just ever-so-slightly too-small Dick Tracy-ish rental car? Call me one of those "insane" California drivers, but maybe we should also go a hair faster than 55--you know, so we can just get to the winery before they stop doing their "Sideways" shtick that we all really think it will be fun to see even if we've seen it before (20 times, with other California visitors who have as original and fun ideas as you)? And maybe once we get there (to the first winery), we should actually, just maybe, taste the actual wine and not complain that you could buy a bottle in a store for the price of the tasting? I'm not saying all the wine is good, but I don't know, I'm just throwing this out...perhaps it's a little too early to start hating the entire enterprise before actually doing one full tasting--that is, if you do plan on enjoying this day--at THE WINERIES--in the lovely Buelton countryside?
5. I'm all for visiting the Santa Barbara county wineries, but given the fact that you want to "do it right, all day long, like they do in the movie," don't you think we should plan to do it and leave LA later than 2 pm on an August Saturday so as to avoid traffic and other wine-country tourists and actually get a chance to visit more than one winery before they all close? And while we're at it, maybe we should plan to take a car that's big enough for the whole lot of us, so my wife (your daughter) doesn't have to twist herself like a contortionist in the middle of the backseat of your beautiful (and believe me, it's a knockout) but just ever-so-slightly too-small Dick Tracy-ish rental car? Call me one of those "insane" California drivers, but maybe we should also go a hair faster than 55--you know, so we can just get to the winery before they stop doing their "Sideways" shtick that we all really think it will be fun to see even if we've seen it before (20 times, with other California visitors who have as original and fun ideas as you)? And maybe once we get there (to the first winery), we should actually, just maybe, taste the actual wine and not complain that you could buy a bottle in a store for the price of the tasting? I'm not saying all the wine is good, but I don't know, I'm just throwing this out... perhaps it's a little too early to start hating the entire enterprise before actually doing one full tasting--that is, if you do plan on enjoying this day--at THE WINERIES--in the lovely Buelton countryside? On that count, and I'm just making a minor suggestion here, but maybe you might want to also mock the descriptive wine writing on the menus beyond earshot of the winery owner who already looks like he wants to hit you in the face with his full bottle of dolcetto? Just a suggestion--you know, so we can enjoy the jokes better without having to fight before we're even drunk enough to get into some serious bottle smashing.
6. I'm all for visiting the Santa Barbara county wineries, but given the fact that you want to "do it right, all day long, like they do in the movie," don't you think we should plan to do it and leave LA later than 2 pm on an August Saturday so as to avoid traffic and other wine-country tourists and actually get a chance to visit more than one winery before they all close? And while we're at it, maybe we should plan to take a car that's big enough for the whole lot of us, so my wife (your daughter) doesn't have to twist herself like a contortionist in the middle of the backseat of your beautiful (and believe me, it's a knockout) but just ever-so-slightly too-small Dick Tracy-ish rental car? Call me one of those "insane" California drivers, but maybe we should also go a hair faster than 55--you know, so we can just get to the winery before they stop doing their "Sideways" shtick that we all really think it will be fun to see even if we've seen it before (20 times, with other California visitors who have as original and fun ideas as you)? And maybe once we get there (to the first winery), we should actually, just maybe, taste the actual wine and not complain that you could buy a bottle in a store for the price of the tasting? I'm not saying all the wine is good, but I don't know, I'm just throwing this out... perhaps it's a little too early to start hating the entire enterprise before actually doing one full tasting--that is, if you do plan on enjoying this day--at THE WINERIES--in the lovely Buelton countryside? On that count, and I'm just making a minor suggestion here, but maybe you might want to also mock the descriptive wine writing on the menus beyond earshot of the winery owner who already looks like he wants to hit you in the face with his full bottle of dolcetto? Just a suggestion--you know, so we can enjoy the jokes better without having to fight before we're even drunk enough to get into some serious bottle smashing. I swear, I'm not trying to be annoying...but I might just mention that at the next winery, we should probably not buy a case and take it in the car when you know you have to fly back to NY tomorrow? I know you really like the wine you didn't try but maybe, just maybe, it's better to ship it directly from the winery as opposed to loading it, one by one, into an army of suitcases filled with sweaters just in case Los Angeles in August gets "a bit chilly," before trying to take it all on one JetBlue flight...
7. I'm all for visiting the Santa Barbara county wineries, but given the fact that you want to "do it right, all day long, like they do in the movie," don't you think we should plan to do it and leave LA later than 2 pm on an August Saturday so as to avoid traffic and other wine-country tourists and actually get a chance to visit more than one winery before they all close? And while we're at it, maybe we should plan to take a car that's big enough for the whole lot of us, so my wife (your daughter) doesn't have to twist herself like a contortionist in the middle of the backseat of your beautiful (and believe me, it's a knockout) but just ever-so-slightly too-small Dick Tracy-ish rental car? Call me one of those "insane" California drivers, but maybe we should also go a hair faster than 55--you know, so we can just get to the winery before they stop doing their "Sideways" shtick that we all really think it will be fun to see even if we've seen it before (20 times, with other California visitors who have as original and fun ideas as you)? And maybe once we get there (to the first winery), we should actually, just maybe, taste the actual wine and not complain that you could buy a bottle in a store for the price of the tasting? I'm not saying all the wine is good, but I don't know, I'm just throwing this out... perhaps it's a little too early to start hating the entire enterprise before actually doing one full tasting--that is, if you do plan on enjoying this day--at THE WINERIES--in the lovely Buelton countryside? On that count, and I'm just making a minor suggestion here, but maybe you might want to also mock the descriptive wine writing on the menus beyond earshot of the winery owner who already looks like he wants to hit you in the face with his full bottle of dolcetto? Just a suggestion--you know, so we can enjoy the jokes better without having to fight before we're even drunk enough to get into some serious bottle smashing. I swear, I'm not trying to be annoying...but I might just mention that at the next winery, we should probably not buy a case and take it in the car when you know you have to fly back to NY tomorrow? I know you really like the wine you didn't try but maybe, just maybe, it's better to ship it directly from the winery as opposed to loading it, one by one, into an army of suitcases filled with sweaters just in case Los Angeles in August gets "a bit chilly," before trying to take it all on one JetBlue flight...Oh, and just a thought: That guy who owns the second winery we try--you know, the one where you buy the wine you haven't tried from the guy you think is robbing everyone with his expensive tasting fees and the bad wine descriptions in the state you think is full of crazy people who don't understand the value of a dollar...Yeah, that guy: Well, maybe we should just not tell him he's wrong that Montepulciano doesn't come from the Fruili region and that only real Abruzzese Italians should be selling Italian wine. I don't know, dontcha think he might take that a little personally?
8. I'm all for visiting the Santa Barbara county wineries, but given the fact that you want to "do it right, all day long, like they do in the movie," don't you think we should plan to do it and leave LA later than 2 pm on an August Saturday so as to avoid traffic and other wine-country tourists and actually get a chance to visit more than one winery before they all close? And while we're at it, maybe we should plan to take a car that's big enough for the whole lot of us, so my wife (your daughter) doesn't have to twist herself like a contortionist in the middle of the backseat of your beautiful (and believe me, it's a knockout) but just ever-so-slightly too-small Dick Tracy-ish rental car? Call me one of those "insane" California drivers, but maybe we should also go a hair faster than 55--you know, so we can just get to the winery before they stop doing their "Sideways" shtick that we all really think it will be fun to see even if we've seen it before (20 times, with other California visitors who have as original and fun ideas as you)? And maybe once we get there (to the first winery), we should actually, just maybe, taste the actual wine and not complain that you could buy a bottle in a store for the price of the tasting? I'm not saying all the wine is good, but I don't know, I'm just throwing this out... perhaps it's a little too early to start hating the entire enterprise before actually doing one full tasting--that is, if you do plan on enjoying this day--at THE WINERIES--in the lovely Buelton countryside? On that count, and I'm just making a minor suggestion here, but maybe you might want to also mock the descriptive wine writing on the menus beyond earshot of the winery owner who already looks like he wants to hit you in the face with his full bottle of dolcetto? Just a suggestion--you know, so we can enjoy the jokes better without having to fight before we're even drunk enough to get into some serious bottle smashing. I swear, I'm not trying to be annoying...but I might just mention that at the next winery, we should probably not buy a case and take it in the car when you know you have to fly back to NY tomorrow? I know you really like the wine you didn't try but maybe, just maybe, it's better to ship it directly from the winery as opposed to loading it, one by one, into an army of suitcases filled with sweaters just in case Los Angeles in August gets "a bit chilly," before trying to take it all on one JetBlue flight...Oh, and just a thought: That guy who owns the second winery we try--you know, the one where you buy the wine you haven't tried from the guy you think is robbing everyone with his expensive tasting fees and the bad wine descriptions in the state you think is full of crazy people who don't understand the value of a dollar...Yeah, that guy: Well, maybe we should just not tell him he's wrong that Montepulciano doesn't come from the Fruili region and that only real Abruzzese Italians should be selling Italian wine. I don't know, dontcha think he might take that a little personally? Maybe not, and maybe the best way to wind down from all this "stress" is to drive through the farms and vineyards along Santa Rosa Road, just as it says to do on your cute little wine-tour map, but I swear that stopping the car and loading up on a premature walnuts from the trees we are not supposed to steal from just might help us avoid a night in the slammer. It's just something someone once told me--don't pick wine grapes off the Sanford property and you won't get shot in the ass. Nevermind that it was a guy who had actually had this done to him, I'm just throwin' this out there, trying to make conversation. Trying to be funny, and yes, those are walnut trees, and yes, this is Real California (just like every other part of California that we have visited in the last 10 days, but you know that, so I won't mention it to you...).
9. I'm all for visiting the Santa Barbara county wineries, but given the fact that you want to "do it right, all day long, like they do in the movie," don't you think we should plan to do it and leave LA later than 2 pm on an August Saturday so as to avoid traffic and other wine-country tourists and actually get a chance to visit more than one winery before they all close? And while we're at it, maybe we should plan to take a car that's big enough for the whole lot of us, so my wife (your daughter) doesn't have to twist herself like a contortionist in the middle of the backseat of your beautiful (and believe me, it's a knockout) but just ever-so-slightly too-small Dick Tracy-ish rental car? Call me one of those "insane" California drivers, but maybe we should also go a hair faster than 55--you know, so we can just get to the winery before they stop doing their "Sideways" shtick that we all really think it will be fun to see even if we've seen it before (20 times, with other California visitors who have as original and fun ideas as you)? And maybe once we get there (to the first winery), we should actually, just maybe, taste the actual wine and not complain that you could buy a bottle in a store for the price of the tasting? I'm not saying all the wine is good, but I don't know, I'm just throwing this out...perhaps it's a little too early to start hating the entire enterprise before actually doing one full tasting--that is, if you do plan on enjoying this day--at wineries--in the lovely Buelton countryside? On that count, and I'm just making a minor suggestion here, but maybe you might want to also mock the descriptive wine writing on the menus beyond earshot of the winery owner who already looks like he wants to hit you in the face with his full bottle of dolcetto? Just a suggestion--you know, so we can enjoy the jokes better without having to fight before we're even drunk enough to get into some serious bottle smashing. I swear, I'm not trying to be annoying...but I might just mention that at the next winery, we should probably not buy a case and take it in the car when you know you have to fly back to NY tomorrow? I know you really like the wine you didn't try but maybe, just maybe, it's better to ship it directly from the winery as opposed to loading it, one by one, into an army of suitcases filled with sweaters just in case Los Angeles in August gets "a bit chilly," before trying to take it all on one JetBlue flight...Oh, and just a thought: That guy who owns the second winery we try--you know, the one where you buy the wine you haven't tried from the guy you think is robbing everyone with his expensive tasting fees and the bad wine descriptions in the state you think is full of crazy people who don't understand the value of a dollar...Yeah, that guy: Well, maybe we should just not tell him he's wrong that Montepulciano doesn't come from the Fruili region and that only real Abruzzese Italians should be selling Italian wine. I don't know, dontcha think he might take that a little personally? Maybe not, and maybe the best way to wind down from all this "stress" is to drive through the farms and vineyards along Santa Rosa Road, just as it says to do on your cute little wine-tour map, but I swear that stopping the car and loading up on a premature walnuts from the trees we are not supposed to steal from just might help us avoid a night in the slammer. It's just something someone once told me--don't pick wine grapes off the Sanford property and you won't get shot in the ass. Nevermind that it was a guy who had actually had this done to him, I'm just throwin' this out there, trying to make conversation. Trying to be funny, and yes, those are walnut trees, and yes, this is Real California (just like every other part of California that we have visited in the last 10 days, but you know that, so I won't mention it to you...). And hey, before we end up waiting for a table for that "relaxing, Cali" dinner we all want at the Los Olivos Cafe, maybe we should just look at your plane tickets before you realize in 15 minutes that your return plane to NYC leaves in, oh, roughly two hours. I don't know, just might make sense, if only because we're a good three hour drive from your LA hotel, where you haven't packed yet. Don't make me out to be some sort of kill-joy; I'm just suggesting, I don't know, that we doublecheck this flight an hour or two before it becomes impossible to switch gears completely and leave our one meal of the day, now that we're all blitzed, and drive down the 101 like maniacs in traffic so that you can just miss the flight you thought was for tomorrow. Don't hate me for the recommendation, but maybe it's a lost cause and will only result in all of us dying in a terrible pile-up of glitzy SUVs, outlet-purchased Ralph Lauren polo-shirts, and overpriced Pinto Gris...
10. I'm all for visiting the Santa Barbara county wineries, but
given the fact that you want to "do it right, all day long, like they do in the movie," don't
you
think we should plan to do it
and leave LA later than 2 pm on
an August
Saturday so as to avoid traffic and other wine-country tourists and
actually get a chance to visit more than one winery before they all
close? And while we're at it, maybe we should plan to take a car that's
big enough for the whole lot of us, so my wife (your daughter) doesn't
have to twist herself like a contortionist in
the middle of the backseat of your beautiful (and believe me, it's a
knockout) but just ever-so-slightly too-small Dick Tracy-ish rental
car? Call me one of those "insane" California drivers, but maybe
we should also go a hair faster than 55--you know, so we can just get
to the winery before they stop doing their "Sideways" shtick
that we all really think it will be fun to see even if we've seen it
before (20 times, with other California visitors who have as original
and
fun ideas as you)? And maybe once we get there (to the first winery),
we should actually, just maybe, taste the actual wine and not complain
that you could buy a bottle in a store for the price of the tasting?
I'm not saying all the wine is good, but I don't know, I'm just
throwing this out...perhaps it's a little too early to start hating
the entire enterprise before actually doing one full tasting--that is,
if you do plan on enjoying this day--at wineries--in
the lovely Buelton countryside? On that count, and I'm just making a
minor suggestion here, but maybe you might want to also mock the
descriptive wine writing on the menus beyond earshot of
the winery owner who already looks like he wants to hit you in the face
with his full bottle of dolcetto? Just a suggestion--you know, so we
can enjoy the jokes better without having to fight before we're even
drunk enough to get into some serious bottle smashing. I swear, I'm not
trying to be annoying...but I might just mention that at the next
winery, we should probably not buy a case and take it in the car when
you know you have to fly back to NY tomorrow? I know you really like
the wine you didn't try but maybe, just maybe, it's better to ship it
directly from the winery as opposed to loading it, one by one, into an
army of suitcases filled with sweaters just in case Los Angeles in
August gets "a bit chilly," before trying to take it all on one
JetBlue flight...Oh, and just a thought: That guy who owns the second
winery we try--you know, the one where you buy the wine you haven't
tried from the guy you think is robbing everyone with his expensive
tasting fees and the bad wine descriptions in the state you think is
full of crazy people who don't understand the value of a dollar...Yeah,
that guy: Well, maybe we should just not tell him he's wrong that
Montepulciano doesn't come from the Fruili region and that only real
Abruzzese Italians should be selling Italian wine. I don't know,
dontcha think he might take that a little personally? Maybe not, and
maybe the best way to wind down from all this "stress" is to drive
through the farms and vineyards along Santa Rosa Road, just as it says
to do on your cute little wine-tour map, but I swear that stopping the
car and loading up on a premature walnuts from the trees we are not
supposed to steal from just might help us avoid a night in the slammer.
It's just something someone once told me--don't pick wine grapes off
the Sanford property and you won't get shot in the ass. Nevermind that
it was a guy who had actually had this done to him, I'm just throwin'
this out there, trying to make conversation. Trying to be funny, and
yes, those are walnut trees, and yes, this is Real California (just
like every other part of California that we have visited in the last 10
days, but you know that, so I won't mention it to you...). And hey,
before we end up waiting for a table for that "relaxing, Cali" dinner
we all want at the Los Olivos Cafe, maybe we should just look at your
plane tickets before you realize in 15 minutes that your return plane
to NYC leaves in, oh, roughly two hours. I don't know, just might make
sense, if only because we're a good three hour drive from your LA
hotel, where you haven't packed yet. Don't make me out to be some sort
of kill-joy; I'm just suggesting, I don't know, that we doublecheck
this flight an hour or two before it becomes impossible to switch gears
completely and leave our one meal of the day, now that we're all
blitzed, and drive down the 101 like maniacs in traffic so that you can
just miss the flight you thought was for tomorrow. Don't hate me for
the recommendation, but maybe it's a lost cause and will only result in
all of us dying in a terrible pile-up of glitzy SUVs, outlet-purchased
Ralph Lauren polo-shirts, and overpriced Pinto Gris... But
OK, now
that we're on ths "fucking nightmare of a" road instead of realizing
that there's really no way to make this flight of yours, that you might
have just known about a
few hours earlier--or, say, before we left for a long, late day in
Santa
Barbara county, getting drunk on wine we don't really like (or know)
before we oh-so-mindfully buy cases of it--...well, maybe now's the
time to drive carefully fast
and not veer in the direction of the beautiful plants on the side of
the road or deconstruct the "exoticism" of the ostriches or how cool
the rides are at
Universal City (please don't take this the wrong way: I am not judging
you, as adults, for loving a kid-celebrated
Hollywood amusement
park)...Maybe now we should just book it and not scream at each other
in other languages, threatening all kinds of medieval torture to
Mom--who, yes, should have known what flight you were returning on,
especially after realizing a few days ago that it left at 9 pm not 9
am, but
also probably should have forced you to participate in just 3% of the
trip-planning process so it wasn't all on her shoulders,
especially when she also has to make all your meals and clean all your
clothes, make sure you're not pissed off at anything, and well, let's
not get too chatty...It's just that as we're
waltzing down this lovely 101, all inebriated, angry, and sweaty, I
don't know,
maybe we just might try not to make immediate lane changes or
super-short stops in front of
speeding Range Rovers, and maybe we should think about not getting off
four
exits before your Hollywood hotel, so that you can enjoy, while getting
angry at "all the stop lights," just one more
look at the Capitol Records building as other people are casually
boarding your
flight at Burbank...It's been a fucking terrible great day, really, but why don't we
just chuck all your shit baggage into the car now that we're at the hotel parking lot, instead
of following the genius pre-planned and geometric luggage arrangement that you so
carefully printed out with your "gorgeous" new HP desktop system (no, I'm not
suggesting that someone so careful might also actually know when his or
her plane is supposed to leave, not at all), and let's just high-tail our assess it up the 5, punch kiss you on the cheeks and hurl send you on your way into the security check-point. It's no big
deal: Sure, we'll return your rental car tomorrow (it's a real no imposition to return to the airport). Sure, we'll check you out at the
hotel later tonight and then resentfully ship you, at our expense, all the wine they confiscated at the airport. And sure, we will never not love hearing from you in the middle of the night to tell us
you got in OK. In fact, call twice or three times!
I, for one, am only unusually up at 3 am; calming down with a few
Klonopin after a
Chardonnay-fueled anxiety attack (one that lasted for eight straight
hours in a cramped and hot tuna-can) isn't going to put me into
any deeper form of
slumber that I usually enjoy after our cumulatively crazier and more stress-provoking awesome family vacations. Yes, absolutely,
let's do check out Legoland next time. It does look like "one heck of a
great park"; I "love sunny California," too. And yes, it's really amazing for me to have another set of
parents, you're too sweet. Have a miserable safe trip, and I'll hope never to see you again, too!
