1. Make sure you haven't already obtained and begun to use the American Express JetBlue credit card, so you won't be annoyed at how much more points towards a free flight it's supposed to provide than it really does, should you decide to make it your primary means of overspending.
2. Book flights last minute to get back to your ever-venerable Long Island hometown and the scumbags it produced to help your family mourn a close loved one. You don't need to ask for "so-called bereavement rates" as numerous JetBlue employees will tell you, because JetBlue flights are "already priced so low that" they "undercut the rumored 'death discounts.'"
3. Do not tell the customer service lady in Utah that she's wrong about the pricing she mentions in point #2. She will get nasty. And yell. And tell you that "even Mormons have a limit." And isn't it more important to avoid any form of human conflict than to actually get a company to operate ethically? You do not have the right to ask simple questions of customer service employees when it might result in your last-minute flight back for a funeral not costing, oh, $1,500. Let's be reasonable.
4. Enjoy your DirectTV even if the headphone jacks don't work. It will be a good distraction from the frequent leg cramps you experience because the last-minute, $1,500 seat you purchased doesn't actually sport the "even more legroom" you chose to buy on top of the generously low price. Bask in the classless society of JetBlue. Every once in a while, DirectTV should be silent when babies are crying in three aisles around you. That's what being a part of a faux-Marxist passenger community run by a money-hungry airline is all about. Fraternity.
5. Believe in your pilot, even when the plane nosedives for about 30 straight seconds more than three times in one flight and then nearly flicks itself off the runway upon landing. Clearly the perfect flying conditions as reported by your friend the Caltech aviation buff should be blamed for the landing. JetBlue pilots rock. You know this because you saw them holding a Supertramp CD in the cockpit upon arrival.
6. Remain unconcerned about the fact that the cabin remains 80 degrees in the dead of August. JetBlue is keeping the planes "balmy" for your "tropical comfort," what might be called a "vacation extension," not because it's important to save money at the expense of passengers as oil prices and airfares rise.
7. Don't ask your cousin to check the e-mail itinerary confirmation the last night of the trip. The fact that you purchased last minute flights on the phone for extra money so that everything would be taken care of by an actual human should be enough to persuade you that everything was done correctly. But if you like, do please make two subsequent phone calls to confirm the flights are right. It's much more dramatic and hence exciting this way; after all has been confirmed twice and your family member finally gets around to checking the confirmation e-mail a few days later only to see that you and your wife have been put on different flights--one returning one week later than the other, despite the same flight number and price--you can get really deeply into the role of "irate customer," an archetype you had always wanted to study in film school.
8. Do not ask the next "nice" customer service lady in Utah if you can avoid change fees for the flight to be "corrected" back to the original plans that had been made and then confirmed twice over the phone. Instead just force Betty with a barrage of expletives to apologize on behalf of the airline and then make everything right even though you failed to record the conversations you had with her brethren the way you now record almost every important call you make to your insurance company, because you've been wronged by them so many times, it's almost acceptable to be paranoid about them trying to rape your bank account on a weekly basis. Forcing people to do stuff like this over the phone, when your week hangs in the balance is definitely the way to go. Especially with the oh-so-flexible and friendly Utah-based JetBlue support staff.
9. Drink lots of vodka on the new flight, and ask for ice. That Oprah show your mom keeps talking about where the airline ice makers were found to contain all kinds of viruses and bacteria, including fecal matter, has to be complete bullshit. The flight assistants are really friendly. Friendly means no bacteria.
10. Remember that while Virgin America sounds like a thinking person's alternative to JetBlue, it would be a pain in the ass to have to fly from LAX versus nearby Burbank, with all its B-level celebrities, Universal Studios-bound families, and pornstars vogueing for paparazzi shots as you weep not that you have lost a family member but that even the most forward-thinking airline in America has gone to complete shit.
